Let's not sugarcoat this: Your relationship with fries ain't pretty. All the drama, the fooling around, and never really knowing what it was you wanted in the first place. Yet you keep going back.
The Booty Call: Carytown Burger and Fries. Somehow, there was never enough there to warrant a long-term deal, but when you're jonesing for a fix, she's always at the other end of the line.
( Thick and just crispy enough, the salt and chili powder made these things irresistible. )
The High-Maintenance Lover: Can Can. In the end, you broke it off for the same reason you were smitten: She calls herself "frites." Admit it, it was sexy. Shoot, she came wrapped in a paper cone! But in the end you had to ask yourself, are these really your people? Out of her clothes, she was boring anyway.
( They look great at 10 yards, all golden-brown and huddled together, but these little ladies were limp out of the cone. )
The Steady: deLux . Bubbly, salty and comforting, you can really hang with this chick. Sweet potato always was your thing. There's a lot of her, though, and after a while your eyes start to wander.
( Great, thick "herb" fries — that said, the basil dusting is ambitious but just a bit too froufrou for long-term happiness. )
The Old Flame: Galaxy Diner. How do you always wind up here again, after vowing you wouldn't? This didn't work out for a reason. ( Dried-out crinkle-cut fries are so depressingly Ore-Ida. )
The Scary Chick: 3 Monkeys. You gave her too much attention and now here you are, sober and wishing you could take it all back. My advice? Don't call, don't text, and hope she's not a lunatic. ( These look like a million bucks, but the hard and flavorless fries taste like a dollar-five. )
One Hot Mama: NY Deli. What makes you think you can hang with this? You've got a beer gut and man boobs; she's probably dating Clooney. Picture it: On those days you just want to watch the tube, she ain't there. ( Planks of delicious steak fries covered in salt and garlic, you could see yourself getting sick on these beauties. )
The Exotic Babe: Cous Cous. You've been eyeballing that exotic young thang all over campus. Crafty you, you land her, only to find she's expensive and overcomplicated. Chalk it up to culture shock, you can't relate.
(Over-doctored with oddball spices and slapped with a staggering price tag, this version isn't so much French fries as it's a sociopolitical statement.)
The Shoegazer: Ipanema . The sensitive, earthy gal you met in yoga class. She was flexible, and you dug that, but eventually you had to confess that a brooding health nut was not your type. ( These feel-good sweet potato fries are soft, warm, sorta healthy … but where's the fun in that? )
The One: Capital Ale House. And then, when you least expected it, you found it — real love. She will ruin you, but the reality of that is still years away. You never thought you'd hear yourself say it, but you're ready to commit. ( Simple, classic french fries done to perfection. The perfect combo of hot, crispy, salty and softness, served with four side sauces that take this experience over the top. )
Back to: Whatta Burger!
