Kirsten Shields and Zachary Harris do the Jimmy Mixer at a semiformal Junior Assembly Cotillion event in October at the Fox Hall Clubhouse. (Photo by Jessica Hendricks courtesy Junior Assembly Cotillion)
Over the years, cotillion has changed — for the better.
When I asked my 12-year-old son if he wanted to do cotillion, he gave me an adamant no. “You’d have to pay me $1 million to dance with a girl,” he told me. While he’s sitting it out this year, we’re both having some FOMO (fear of missing out). In talking to his classmates, we’ve learned there’s more to cotillion than dressing up and dancing the fox trot.
Similar to a square dance, the cotillion originated in Europe and was brought to the United States in the 1700s. (George Washington was known for dancing the cotillion at Mount Vernon.) By the early 1900s, cotillions had evolved from a single dance into an entire season of dances. My mother joined cotillion in her hometown of Montgomery, Alabama, in the early 1960s, when the South was still segregated. Even as a child, she understood that social status was emphasized over core values.
While cotillion remains a rite of passage for many middle school kids, it’s come a long way since my mother’s childhood — at least here in Richmond at Junior Assembly Cotillion.
Liz Stanko and Alfreda Beach have a deep family history with the Junior Assembly Cotillion, where Stanko is owner and the two share the director role. Founded in the 1920s, it’s considered the longest-running cotillion in Virginia. While fostering many traditions of their parents’ and grandparents’ time in cotillion, they’re ensuring the that organization is inclusive and relevant. Today, Junior Assembly Cotillion represents children from around 50 schools across metro Richmond.
“So much is timeless, and yet so much has changed,” Stanko says. “Sure, kids need to know how properly to introduce themselves, write a handwritten note and address an envelope, but there’s a lot more involved.”
As a former nurse and a single mom for 16 years before remarrying, Stanko knows what it takes to be successful in today’s world. Good manners and first impressions are only the beginning.
“The world is not black and white, and kids are navigating a lot of gray area,” Stanko says. “COVID really compounded their anxiety, and they need a place that’s fun and safe and engaging. We talk a lot about mental health and bullying that we didn’t discuss decades ago.”
Stanko and Beach are proud of their group of kids this year, who they describe as more diverse and more confident in their individuality than past generations.
Now an 11th grader, Connor Jackson has been part of cotillion since sixth grade. He joined for the social aspect but has developed leadership skills through his volunteer role as junior assistant.
“As an African-American, I knew he’d be embraced in this cotillion,” says Holly Jackson, Connor’s mom. “We met Alfreda Beach years ago when our sons played football together. She encouraged him to join and made sure he was comfortable. He’s loved it, and now that he’s older, he really likes interacting with the younger kids and helping out.”
Jackson contends that today’s parents have done a better job helping their children see that differences are good. “Kids are a lot more aware,” Jackson says. “We need to understand our similarities and our differences and realize diversity is important. Non-diverse bubbles are not reflective of reality.”
Another parent, Monica Balduf, says the Junior Assembly Cotillion has welcomed her daughter, who has Down syndrome.“Sarah Ashley loves dancing, dressing up and engaging with people, but honestly, I didn’t think she could ever do cotillion because I didn’t know if they’d be willing to accommodate her needs,” Balduf says. “But when we talked to Liz, we were blown away by her acceptance and support. She made her feel part of things instead of making her stand out.”
Balduf says one, evening another mother thanked her for allowing Sarah Ashley to join cotillion. “She told me we were giving the other kids a chance to engage with someone with different abilities — it was amazing.”
She says the best part has been seeing her daughter get to be a 14-year-old girl. “When the first dance started, we watched her struggle a little with the dance steps, just like everybody else,” she says. “They’ve all gained a lot of confidence.”
Harrison Golden, a sixth grader in cotillion this year, admits he was nervous the first time he stepped out on the dance floor. “At first it was awkward,” he says. “The dances come flying at you, and then you immediately switch to learning something else. At the first dance, I was sweating, but now I play it cool.”
Golden says cotillion has been a good experience because all the kids are in it together. Conversations are positive and encouraging. “You dance with everybody, and nobody makes fun of anyone or makes someone feel bad,” he says. “That would definitely not happen.”
When the 2022 season ends this month, this class will come away with more than rhythm and new dance moves.
“Being a good dancer is a means to an end,” Stanko says. “Cotillion helps our kids be the best versions of themselves.”
As a parent, that’s all we can hope for. Maybe next year, my son will be ready. And technically he wouldn’t even have to touch a girl — after all these years, they still wear white gloves.
Never miss a Sunday Story: Sign up for the newsletter, and we’ll drop a fresh read into your inbox at the start of each week. To keep up with the latest posts, search for the hashtag #SundayStory on Twitter and Facebook.
