Illustration by Victoria Borges
Lindsay Layton worked from home the day after her dog Pebbles died.
“I was really sad and crying a lot,” she says. “I didn’t want to go in to [the office] like that.”
Though she’d never lived with a dog before, the Henrico mother of two and her husband wanted their daughters to have a pet. While visiting rescue organization BARK’s open house in 2012, Layton’s husband found Pebbles and her companion, Prince William. The two mixed breeds were offered together because they were older and came from the same home.
After Prince William died — less than a year after joining the Layton family — Pebbles developed a strong attachment to Lindsay, who then worked from home full time.
Lindsay Layton’s dog Pebbles died in 2019. (Photo courtesy Lindsay Layton)
“My husband said he was second string to Pebbles,” Layton says, adding that her younger daughter once jokingly accused her of loving Pebbles more than her children. “I said, ‘Pebbles loves me unconditionally, she does what I want, she doesn’t talk back.’ ”
Then Pebbles was diagnosed with cancer in early fall 2018. The Laytons tried different treatments, with varying degrees of success.
The day Pebbles died, in January 2019, Layton came home from her office and found the dog struggling to breathe. “I picked her up and held her close, and she collapsed in my arms,” Layton says.
Pebbles’ cremated remains are in a box on a desk in Layton’s home, near pictures of her parents, also deceased. “There definitely will never be another like her,” Layton says, noting that the family’s fall 2019 addition, Finn, has a very different personality and is more her husband’s dog.
A Unique Bond
Sandra Barker, a professor of psychiatry and Bill Balaban Chair in Human-Animal Interaction at Virginia Commonwealth University’s School of Medicine, established the Center for Human-Animal Interaction at the medical school in 2001 to promote interdisciplinary research, as well as organize clinical and educational activities.
“From our early research, we found people were as close to their dogs as to their closest family member, whether that was a child, a spouse or a parent,” Barker says. “In one-third of the cases, the dog was closer than any family member.”
That bond isn’t surprising, Barker says. “They don’t care what you look or smell like; they are accepting and giving of love,” she says. “I think they provide comfort for people. At a time when we are social distancing for health reasons, pets can provide wonderful companionship.”
During times of stress, pets can offer relaxation, entertainment and a reason to maintain normalcy, Barker says. “They have their needs, too,” she says. “We have to find ways to exercise them, come up with new routines so we’re protecting our health and safety. There’s also an opportunity to train them more, so we have a more enjoyable relationship.”
Barker says the last decade has brought additional attention to the benefits of human-animal connections. “As the field has developed, we’re seeing more rigorous research,” she says, calling the advancements “gratifying.”
Dr. Virginia Buechner-Maxwell, professor of large-animal medicine at the Virginia-Maryland College of Veterinary Medicine at Virginia Tech and director of CENTAUR: Center for Animal Human Relationships (Photo courtesy Virginia-Maryland College of Veterinary Medicine/Virginia Tech)
Dr. Virginia Buechner-Maxwell, professor of large animal medicine at the Virginia-Maryland College of Veterinary Medicine at Virginia Tech and director of CENTAUR: Center for Animal Human Relationships, created in 2004, says research into the impact of the loss of a pet shows that “the degree to which an individual is affected by that loss is dependent on the relationship that he or she has established with the animal throughout its life.”
Many people are “profoundly” affected by a pet’s death, Buechner-Maxwell says, because pets can be involved in so many aspects of a person’s life, providing companionship, comfort, protection, purpose, motivation to exercise and opportunities to socialize. When a pet dies, Buechner-Maxwell says, it’s a clear indication of time passing, as well as the loss of a shared history. The bond is even stronger for people whose pet is a service animal, helping to navigate illness or disability.
“In some cases, the passing of a beloved pet is at least as significant as the passing of a family member or close friend,” she says.
The Pain of Loss
Dr. Linda Ryder of Companion Animal House Calls, a mobile veterinary service in Richmond that also provides euthanasia for pets at home, says she works with clients to determine the best course of action for their pet’s situation. “I discuss quality of life with owners,” Ryder says. “I try to give the client time to explain the situation with their pet, support their decision and remove any guilt they may feel.”
Ryder notes that certain illnesses, especially cancers, can be treated in ways that will prolong the life of the pet. Depending on the cost and the owner’s financial situation, surgery and/or medication may be cost-prohibitive, which can amplify guilt. “Even if the client cannot afford treatment for a cancer, I explain that all the money in the world will not cure the pet,” she says. “I try to make them understand their decision is sound and the right one for them and their pet.”
Trish Haak, a veterinary licensed clinical social worker at the Veterinary Teaching Hospital at Virginia Tech (Photo courtesy Virginia-Maryland College of Veterinary Medicine/Virginia Tech)
Trish Haak, a veterinary licensed clinical social worker at the Veterinary Teaching Hospital at Virginia Tech, says it’s important for individuals to understand that grief isn’t a cookie-cutter experience.
“People may or may not feel emotions right away, and some may feel the full spectrum of human emotion, all in a short time,” she says,
Grief is both mental and physical — and the mental aspect should not be ignored, especially when stress levels are high due to other circumstances.
“Expressing feelings helps one actively work through emotions from grief and heal,” she says. “By going through this process, people can reach a point where they can better articulate, understand and make meaning out of their experience, and then integrate the experience into their lives. … Overall, establishing a new ‘normal’ takes time.”
Paths to Healing
Barker first became involved in helping people grieve the loss of an animal when she was director of a counseling center in Huntington, West Virginia. One afternoon, as she was sitting in the waiting area of her veterinarian’s practice, a man exited the rear of the office in tears.
“I knew his pet had died,” she says. “The vet just looked at me and said, ‘Sandy, can’t you help with this?’ ”
Shortly after, she added pet loss counseling as a clinical service and has carried the emphasis area with her throughout her academic career.
“Grief is a normal reaction to the loss of something we value,” she says. “Everyone has to do it their own way, consistent with their own beliefs, value and culture.”
A pet-loss support hotline had been available through VCU’s Center for Human-Animal Interaction but is currently offline due to staffing issues. Virginia Tech, which had offered a similar support line two nights a week, has had to shift to a voicemail-only system, also because of limited staff availability. But VT’s Haak says she is currently working with the Radford University School of Social Work to bring an intern to the Animal Loss Support Line to restore real-time help.
Locally, assistance is available via FETCH a Cure, a local nonprofit started in 2007 to provide information to owners dealing with a pet’s cancer diagnosis. In January 2019, FETCH began offering a monthly support group for those suffering through the loss of any type of pet, from cats and dogs to guinea pigs and birds, led by Richmond neuropsychologist Leslie Greenberg, Ph.D.
Greenberg, whose Richmond Neuropsychology practice serves children and young adults, knew firsthand how hard the loss of a pet can be. She had grown up with dogs but found that she felt “deep grief” when Martini, the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel that was the first pet she cared for as an adult, died in 2017. “I know I’m not the only one,” she says. “As a licensed psychologist, I think people need help with this.”
Greenberg approached Wellesley Animal Hospital in Henrico and began hosting a pet loss support session in January 2018. Joanne Silverman, executive director of FETCH, attended a few meetings to see the process. After a year at Wellesley, everyone agreed to move the sessions to the FETCH office on Staples Mill Road, to make it clear that the group is open to all comers, not just patients of a particular practice. Wellesley continues as one of the group’s sponsors, Silverman says.
FETCH is currently offering monthly sessions virtually on Zoom.
Each meeting usually brings a different group of participants, Greenberg says, who come with a variety of experiences. Those attending are welcome to speak or may remain silent, as they choose. By the end of the meeting, everyone is talking.
“They do end up sharing their stories and supporting what each other is saying,” Greenberg says. “In the group, we talk about how this is as difficult, if not harder, to cope with than a human death. I think people realize they aren’t crazy; they don’t have to hide their feelings. I tell them grief is the flip side of having deep love.”
The key to recovery, Barker says, is finding support.
“Most people don’t want you to ignore [a pet’s death],” Barker says. “It’s important to say, ‘I know you’re hurting right now; I’m here to listen if you want to talk.’ And then listen. Don’t offer advice; don’t tell them what to do. Let them know you know they’re going through a really tough time.”
Resources
Virginia Tech’s Animal Loss Support Line: 540-231-8038
Pet Loss Support Group sponsored by FETCH a Cure: Free monthly sessions are being held on Zoom.
