It happens the same way every spring. The days get longer and warmer. The birds get to chirping, the flowers get to blooming and then my dear, sweet city tries to kill me.
I know I'm not alone, because once the spores and fungi start to fly, people all over the city become wheezing and sneezing Claritin zombies. But there are tons of other people with much bigger problems — problems that can't be solved with a quick toot of non-drip nasal spray. Apparently, Richmond is host to a litany of afflictions that are unique to the metro area and possible to avoid.
Study this list closely and take heed — the suffering you spare may be your own.
Acute Festivitis
Condition
A compulsion to gather in large public groups, usually outdoors and in reverence to a beloved comfort food, obscure musical genre or international drinking holiday.
Symptoms
Subject appears glassy-eyed, shifty and often speaks in raised tones. Odd behavior may include the wearing of fanny packs and/or sweatshirts tied around the waist. Sudden fits of "dancing" may resemble seizures but are perfectly harmless.
Treatment
Those with Festivitis are literally best left alone. If someone in your party is suffering, slip away quietly. By the time they walk home from wherever it is they caught the bug, it will have safely evacuated their system.
Sleeve Dysmorphic Disorder
Condition
A crippling sickness that leaves one paralyzed and confined to the bedroom, unable to decide on the proper attire for the wildly fluctuating March weather.
Symptoms
Restlessness, chills and hot flashes. Overwhelming feelings of despair and wardrobe inadequacy. A common complaint among sufferers of SDD: "It's too COOL for short sleeves, but too WARM for a sweater!"
Treatment
A neutral-colored pashmina shawl should do nicely.
Farmers' Market Dementia
Condition
A rare psychological disorder marked by an unnatural desire to purchase only hyperlocal, organic products. While in moderation this seems like a perfectly healthy practice, those with FMD lose all touch with modern consumer reality and refuse to buy even one item outside of the folksy, farmers' market community.
Symptoms
The purchase of any of the following items may indicate the onset of FMD: free-range Monroe Park Chicken Salad; sugar-free "Midlothian Style" Kiwi Jam; cruelty-free, hand-woven hemp coffee filters; Old Fashioned Shockoe Bottom Herbal Bodywash & Topical Antiseptic Paste; or 100 percent organic-fed veal shanks (from calves raised in the Malvern Manor Apartments).
Treatment
Late-stage Farmers' Market Dementia is only treatable with a professionally led intervention held inside a properly certified Costco, Sam's Club or SuperTarget.
Post Traumatic Bonnet Disorder
Condition
Typically develops immediately following Monument Avenue's Easter on Parade. Feelings of panic, guilt and anxiety arise from the realization that one is wearing a gigantic silly hat that cannot, and will not, ever be worn again.
Symptoms
Tingling, dizziness and nausea. Ritualistic behaviors such as the tying and untying of oversized purple bows. Cravings for cucumber sandwiches and jellybeans.
Treatment
Hot black coffee, a cold shower and one viewing of Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood .
Bluetooth Tourette's Syndrome
Condition
Normally healthy individuals spontaneously mimic the behavior of schizophrenics. Look for people in outdoor restaurant settings dining quietly by themselves — but who then begin talking loudly and laughing in response to voices only they can hear.
Symptoms
More pleasant weather can often accelerate the spread of BTS. Intimate sidewalk, patio and porch seating may intensify the negative effects of this affliction. Many BTS sufferers are easily confused and think that just because they are outside, they are no longer "in a restaurant."
Treatment
If you find yourself seated near someone with BTS, the safest and most direct way to provide relief is by carefully (or forcefully) removing the small black "tumor" from their ear canal and submerging it in a pitcher of unsweetened iced tea.
