Illustration by Victoria Borges
As most parents in blended families know, there are any number of ways to answer the question “Do you have kids?” I prefer to say, “Yes, I have two adult sons from my first marriage, and my wife and I have two young children, a son and a daughter.” That one sentence tells much of the story of my life.
I got married at 24 years of age, became a father at 25, and then again at 28 — hence my two adult sons. While their mother and I are close friends and great co-parents to this day, a long, successful marriage was not in the cards for us, so I started off my 30s as a single man. I remarried at 34, and several years later, my wife and I welcomed our first baby together, another son. I was 41. And finally, I got incredible Father’s Day news one year, which was that we had another little one on the way, a daughter. I was 43 when she was born.
The kids are now 25, 22, 8 and 6, with a 19-year gap between my youngest and my oldest. When my youngest graduates from high school, I’ll be 62. I’ve observed a few things from parenting children across a couple of generations — and I still learn something new nearly every day.
What’s Different About Gen Z Kids and Gen Alpha Kids
The amount of screen time. It makes me sound old, but it’s true. To be clear, children have been consuming content through the latest and greatest media since stories were first told. The change in medium is just part of the evolution of childhood. On a related note: Taking pictures of kids has definitely evolved. When my oldest was born, we were still taking photos using film and a Kodak Advantix camera. We took dozens of photos at a time. After my second-oldest was born, I had a digital camera, and the number of images taken rose into the hundreds. Meanwhile, all the photos of our youngest two were taken with phone cameras, and we have thousands — tens of thousands — of pictures of them.
What’s the Same
All the important things! The desire to play, the need for love and support, and the sense of pride they feel when they achieve goals, small and large.
What’s Different About Me as a 20-something Dad of Little Ones vs. a Near-50 Dad of Little Ones
The activity level of parenthood. I think parents today have created and fallen victim to a higher set of expectations for what it means to be an involved parent, and as a result, there are no shortage of tools to help one meet those demands. With the first set of kids, we were lucky to have a list of other parents’ contact information, which we only needed to access once or twice a year for a school activity or informal social event. Now we have Doodle, SignUp Genius, Constant Contact, group chats, shared iPhone photo albums. I say no to a lot of it, but still, my wife and I have nearly as many things on our calendars related to the business of parenthood as we do our nonparental responsibilities. I love technology, but sometimes the need to keep up with all this digital infrastructure overwhelms me.
What’s the Same
The school calendar and the artwork on the fridge. The sneakers scattered around the front hall and the back door. And backpacks and back seats that hold permanent collections of their “stuff.” And I love it all. (Except the nasty back seat.)
What’s Different About the World We Live In, Then vs. Now
We’re getting closer, yet sometimes drifting further apart. As our population grows, our communities and neighborhoods do, too, and the opportunities for closer human contact have only increased for most of us. And yet even with all of our devices and content, and the social networks that promise us digitally enabled closeness, we sometimes find ourselves further isolated in our society, from our neighbors and families, and in our homes. We have to be more intentional about truly connecting, even if it is through increasingly tech-enabled ways.
So I text my older sons regularly, just to check in and tell them I love them, and I’m here for them. When they’re in the mood, a text exchange might ensue. But sometimes, it’s short and sweet, and that’s enough for me. With the younger ones, it’s the evening ritual. I sing made-up songs or recite the same good-night blessing I said over my older ones. It’s a way for me to slow things down, feel connected across both generations of parenthood, and remind myself of what matters the most.
What’s the Same
My anxiety level. I’ve stressed myself out so much over the years worrying about what I wasn’t doing right as a father (and there was plenty), that I have often missed the opportunity to celebrate when I was doing just fine. I worried so much about their futures, I didn’t always show up in their present the way I could have. Fortunately, my older sons give me new chances all the time to be a more present dad, and the younger ones practically demand a present focus, nearly all the time. There’s no gift quite like the present.
Some of these lessons have been painful — for all of us — and I have more than a few regrets. I’m working on myself, practicing the ability to let go and just enjoy this present moment. Being a father to these four amazing people brings me great joy. Each of them has made me a better person, and I am grateful for that.
James Warren is the founder of research firm Share More Stories and vice president with brand strategy and consulting firm JMI.
