Illustration by Erin Bushnell
It’s September, and that back-to-school enthusiasm is going strong. Ready to dive in, my two boys bring me every signup sheet that comes home from school in their folders. But I know what’s coming. By mid-October, they’ll start complaining and whining that they don’t want to go.
My sons, Anders and William, are 12 and 10, and they’ve tried it all: karate, gymnastics, art, baseball, basketball, piano, horseback riding, swimming, archery, mountain biking, soccer and theater. While they’ve liked some activities more than others, unfortunately for our retirement plans, we don’t see them going pro.
Last winter, they both wanted to try football. My husband and I played team sports growing up, and while I wasn’t thrilled about tackle football, I thought exercising, learning sportsmanship and meeting friends would be worth it. But it didn’t take long to realize we were in over our heads. Our family was looking for more of a fun, recreational league, and I hadn’t done my research. Practices were 90 minutes, and they started five days a week. Many of the kids had been playing together since they were 6 years old and already had set positions. My boys wanted to quit, but night after night, I wrestled them into their pads and out into the February chill. Then after driving an hour away to a game where my son didn’t get one minute of playing time, I told them we could quit.
My husband says once you start something, you have to finish. He wants our boys to work hard, commit and push through when times are tough. He wants them to build character and not give up easily. I understand all that. But enduring that last football season became miserable for everyone. I didn’t want to ruin sports for them at such a young age.
Legendary NFL coach Vince Lombardi said, “Quitters never win, and winners never quit.” While he eventually did quit in 1968, he would roll over in his grave hearing about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers player Antonio Brown stripping off his jersey and storming off the field in the third quarter of a game against the New York Jets in early January. I don’t think quitting made Brown a loser — he says he was pressured to play injured — but I’m not a fan of the way he did it. As a result, he’s lost his reputation and potentially his football career.
Rather than telling our children they can “never, ever, ever give up,” maybe we could teach them when and how to quit. One of my girlfriends said her parents and coaches so strongly ingrained in her the adages about not quitting, she later found herself staying in bad relationships and bad jobs for too long. Instead, she wishes she had learned a graceful exit strategy. Inspirational bestselling author Osayi Emokpae Lasisi redefines quitting by saying it’s not giving up, it’s choosing to focus your attention on something more important. She says quitting is not making excuses, it’s letting go of things that are sucking the life out of you.
Dan Kniffen, a Richmond social worker and therapist who specializes in preteen and teen boys, has seen lots of kids with activity anxiety and burnout before they reach high school. “It should be about parents nurturing their child’s passion, not thinking of their kid being the next star,” Kniffen says. “There’s an enormous amount of pressure on kids that they’re just not able to take on.”
When a child wants to quit an activity, Kniffen urges parents to ask why. “Do they just not want to go that day, or is there real anxiety there?”
For instance, a child may want to quit piano because they’re nervous about the recital. They may love playing piano but have a fear of performing in public. Kniffen says extracurricular activities are important for childhood development, especially when parents and kids are on the same page. Success happens when everyone understands the expectations and commitment.
Kniffen says it often takes time for kids to figure out what they excel at, and that’s what childhood is all about. “Expose them to sports and the arts and help them be whole people,” he advises. “See what sparks in them.”
The YMCA of Greater Richmond offers children a sampling of activities year-round, from one-day to eight-week commitments. Caitlyn Wampler, associate director of youth, family and sports, says the YMCA offers everything from gymnastics, beginning dance and art to a variety of sports clinics and leagues. “Collegiate coaches go after kids who have played multiple sports,” Wampler says. “When kids switch their sports up, they’ll be a more well-rounded athlete.”
Wampler says that if a child doesn’t want to do something at the Y, they certainly don’t have to. “But we try to keep them engaged, give them equal playing time and get the coach involved so they don’t want to quit,” she says.
Despite what the stickers and T-shirts may tell you, Winston Churchill actually didn’t say, “Never give up.” In a 1941 speech to a group of schoolboys he said, “Never give in, except to convictions of honor and good sense.”
While we hope our children will find something they’re good at and stick with it, sometimes it just makes good sense to quit.
Laura Anders Lee is a freelance writer, a mother of two and the shuttle service operator for multiple extracurricular activities.
