Illustration by Chris Danger
In my former life as a pediatric nurse, I thought I was an expert on kids and sickness. I was even a little smug about it, with my fancy degree and “seen it all” mindset. Even after my first child, who sailed through her first year with nary an ear infection, I was still confident, naive enough to think life with kids would always be so simple and hygienic.
Then I had two more children and sent them off to preschool to mingle and interact with other tiny, filthy humans. And my innocent world came crashing down in a haze of boogie wipes and saline spray. However, a few cold and flu seasons have passed, and fortunately, we are all still standing. Not only that, but I also feel wise enough to offer some hard-earned wisdom to any other parents on the precipice of yet another long, hard winter full of humidifiers and puke buckets. So, in no particular order:
Children are disgusting.
This is a fact that all parents must accept. No matter how adorable you think your child is, how sweet and innocent they seem as pink, chubby newborns, the truth is that all kids will one day reveal themselves to be horrifying disease gremlins. Their noses will start to run in October, and they will continue to run, Niagara Falls style, until MAY. When they cough, they will not only not cover their mouths, but they will seem to aim for your face or your plate of food, whichever is nearest. They share sippy cups and lick random objects just because they are sadists who can. It doesn’t matter how much hand sanitizer you buy. You could dress them in a hazmat suit, and they would still find a way to sneeze into your eyes.
My kids don’t like to share, unless it’s germs.
My kids fight over toys, over food, over oxygen. But what don’t they mind sharing? Virus particles. Bacteria. A variety of colorful pathogens. They love to share those with abandon. We have a newborn, and the only thing I ask of my toddlers is not to touch the baby’s face. I repeat it. I try to explain it. I make up choreographed song and dance numbers to hammer the point home. But inevitably, the moment I turn my attention away or leave the room, even for a second, both of my older children descend on the baby with their grubby hands like little infectious zombies.
Bleach is the answer to everything.
Before my first norovirus experience with children, I was really cute. I stocked my closets with lavender-scented cleansers or all-natural, nontoxic, scent-free sprays with images of baby deer or unicorns on the bottles. And then norovirus tore through our home like a Biblical plague, and I pushed those cleaners to the back of the closet, where they’ve been ever since. Bleach. Buy all the bleach. And then buy more of it. When the stomach virus hits your home, you will want to bathe in it.
Preschool is for learning, socialization and biological warfare.
I love my kids’ preschool. They learn so much, make friends and bring home adorable art projects that I post for several months on my fridge and then furtively throw away. They are also exposed to so many new and exotic viruses that the place might as well function as a CDC laboratory. It doesn’t matter what policies or rules are in place, there will always be that one parent who sends their kids in with a raging fever or an upset stomach. And that one child, like the monkey in the movie “Outbreak,” will start a chain reaction that infects everyone.
Get the cheap thermometer.
New parents love fancy gadgets, and the fancy gadget industry takes advantage of that adorable naivete. Why make baby purees in a regular blender when you can buy a tiny, baby-food-only blender for three times the price? Thermometers are yet another incredibly basic medical tool that has been totally overcomplicated. You do not need a thermometer with an app. Or one that sends your mother a text if your child has a fever. If the words “infrared” or “sonic” or “smart” are in the name, put it back. Get the cheap one. Because you will quickly learn as a new parent that your thermometer will need to one day be inserted in a place that no $125 thermometer will deign to go.
The reality is that kids get sick; dealing with it is just part of parenting. Luckily, there are some tips and tricks to help deal with cold and flu season, and acceptance of its inevitably is half the battle. The only thing that matters is getting kids through it safely and not going crazy in the process.
Now excuse me while I buy some bleach.
Elizabeth Becker is a writer, registered nurse and mom of two. Read more about her life and other parenting epiphanies at lifeinacoffeespoon.com.
