Illustration by Rachel Maves
Fifty is one of those birthdays you don’t forget. It’s a milestone, a moment of profound reflection, which fits perfectly into where I’ve been over the past year, thinking about my life journey, my purpose and my calling.
And so it was that I woke up on a summer Saturday morning, finally 50. Apart from lunch, there weren’t any parties on the horizon. My wife knew I wanted to keep the celebration limited to just my immediate family and just grill out. That was the way I wanted to celebrate — that, and gratitude.
After I got the coffee going, I sat down to write and share a list of things I was grateful for. The more I wrote, the more I was inspired to write. After a while, I realized I had so many things to be grateful for, I decided to make my list birthday-themed — 50 things for 50 years — and I shared it online.
I spent the rest of the day celebrating with my family, and my wife managed to sneak in one surprise. She had asked family and friends to send me handwritten birthday cards. It was amazing. I opened the mailbox, and probably 100 cards fell out. I was happy to be surrounded by so much love, even though, as it turns out, that was the last day I would see my sister alive.
My sister passed away a few days after my birthday, and I am reminded daily of how much brilliance, unconditional love and protection she gave us, despite the depth of emotional pain she lived with. I am grateful for her. My parents, who are also both gone, left me a complex legacy of love and lessons; I’m grateful for the lives they gave my sister and me, and for the sense of hope they instilled in me early.
When it comes to family, I have a lot to be grateful for. My spouse has been there for me through every elation and every devastation that life has offered over nearly 20 years. I would not be here without her, and I am grateful for her patience, grace and strength. My children, two adults and two young children, show me how to be a better human even when they don’t realize it. I am grateful for their artistry, their courage, their humor and their empathy.
I have a sprawling extended family — I joke that you can probably find a cousin of mine within a stone’s throw of any major exit on I-95, from Connecticut to Georgia. I am grateful for the opportunities to deepen connections with my family and to strengthen roots as time goes on. And I am grateful for friends who have become family. They have demonstrated to me the power of choice and connection: choosing to accept others as they are, not just because they are related genetically.
Gratitude is also working inside of me. It helps me navigate difficult situations, like challenging family histories, long ago and recent traumas, everyday conflicts and, of course, the loss of my sister, with more grace and compassion. Staying grateful is helping me react less and respond more. And all of this is helping me connect with myself and others more honestly. Being grateful makes me feel more connected, and connection is healing for me.
Gratitude helps me think of the many gifts that the wonderful humans in my life possess, recognizing their beautiful individuality. Overall, it helps me to focus on positive things, remembering that there is more to this life and these relationships than this present moment, and yet, at the same time, to be grateful for this moment as it is. Being grateful makes me smile, and smiling is healthy for me.
As we head into the final part of the year, I encourage you to approach this season with a spirit of gratitude. Embrace the notion that gratitude isn’t an event; rather, it can be a way of life that helps us de-center ourselves and focus more on those we have the good fortune to be in community with.
Compose your own gratitude list. I went with 50 for my birthday, so you can use either of those — the number 50 or your birthday — as your framework:
1. Write down 50 things you’re grateful for.
2. Celebrate your next birthday with a list of things you’re grateful for that matches your age.
It’ll start to flow once you get going, and when you’re done, you’ll have a list you can reflect on whenever you need the healing, joy and sense of connection that a boost of gratitude might bring.
James Warren is the founder of research firm Share More Stories and vice president with brand strategy and consulting firm JMI.
