Illustration by Rachel Maves
Each holiday season, I dutifully serve as a scribe for my children’s Santa lists, copying down their desired gifts, from the mundane (my 4-year-old has requested a pillow this year) to the more aspirational (she would also like a unicorn).
However, after the unrelenting dumpster fire that has been 2020, I believe parents deserve a little holiday magic of their own. We, the parents of the world, are tired — emotionally, physically and existentially. We need a break. We need a vacation. We need a spiked eggnog and a personal audience with the fat guy in the red suit. Forget the kids and their visions of sugarplums. This year, I have my own holiday demands.
In no particular order, they are as follows:
1. An unlimited supply of kids’ masks
A year ago, I could not have guessed that face masks would take their place alongside socks, shoes and water bottles as the most frequently vanished-without-a-trace items in our household. But this is our new reality, and I am tired of searching every nook and cranny in my house each morning for my children’s masks. So I would humbly like to request an unlimited supply. I would also request that by Christmas 2021, whether via an effective vaccine or public health mitigation strategies, masks will no longer be a part of our daily lives and I can burn the lot of them.
2. All the outdoor toys
Swings. Slides. Trampolines. A splash pad and a pool. Let’s even throw in a zipline. A quarantine at home with multiple kids is a lot like a lockup, and my set of tiny inmates tends to get a little stir crazy and riot. This past year, I, like many parents, was unprepared. By the time I realized that a water table and some chalk weren’t quite going to last us through the duration of the pandemic, all the online outdoor toy inventory had pretty much been cleaned out. And what was left was back-ordered until 2029 and marked up to a ridiculous degree (I’m talking to you, $200 inflatable kiddie pool). So I would like Santa to deliver enough play equipment and sporting goods to last us at least until the return of two-day shipping.
3. A monthly wine subscription
I’ve spent much of the last year confined to my home with a 4-year-old, a 2-year-old and a baby. For several months, we avoided playgrounds and public outings. We didn’t use babysitters. And for nearly half a year, our kids did not attend any kind of in-person school. If Santa still is unclear as to why this mom needs a wine subscription, he can come and spend a week at my house.
4. A personal trainer
Who among us hasn’t packed on the COVID-19 pounds this year? With kids in the house, it has been even easier to slide into an abyss of frozen chicken nuggets, drive-thru fast food “field trips” and a problematic banana bread habit. All of which makes it a perfectly reasonable request to have a personal trainer move into my house and give me the motivation I am sorely lacking. And if that personal trainer happens to moonlight as a chef, housekeeper and babysitter, I wouldn’t complain.
5. Silence
Santa is already going to be at my house on Christmas Eve. He’ll know the directions by then, have my address saved in his phone. Why not just swing back by a few days later and take the kids out for a few hours? They’d be thrilled. And I could have the best present of all, a few moments of silence. A quiet house. An hour or two without anyone asking for a snack or a TV show, without a diaper to change or a face to wipe. Without the blare of toys or Blippi on in the background. It would be a true Christmas miracle.
Elizabeth Becker is a writer, a registered nurse and a mom of three. Read more about her life and other parenting epiphanies at lifeinacoffeespoon.com.
