There are few things more painfully awkward than a bad wedding toast. A blathering drunk cousin. An emotional bridesmaid who is unintelligible through sobs. A cringe-worthy rap parody. A story about a wild night in college not meant for Grandma’s ears.
These moments aren’t just embarrassing and uncomfortable, they can take away from the couple’s big day. Thankfully, local resources are available to ensure wedding speeches and toasts are meaningful and memorable — in a good way.
Christine Carmichael has been running her Richmond etiquette business for the last 10 years. What started out as a hobby to help friends and families has evolved into the Flemming Academy of Etiquette & Protocol for adults and children. Her classes cover etiquette in a range of settings, from the boardroom to cocktail parties, elaborate sit-down dinners and everyday social situations.
Carmichael says the rule of thumb in a formal setting, such as a wedding, is for the host to give the first toast. This opens the floor for close friends and family. The speaker should stand, while the person or couple receiving the toast remain seated. The couple do not raise their glasses unless they are returning the toast.
She adds that people often tend to get bogged down with rules and old-fashioned ideas on what etiquette means, but it’s really about two things: Respect and kindness.
“If we keep respect and kindness in our mind, every interaction we have with another person will be easier,” she says.
Carmichael notes that weddings can be particularly nerve-wracking with emotions running high, so preparation and practice are key when delivering a speech or toast.
“Remember the three S’s: Be sincere, succinct and situational,” she advises. “A toast should be heartfelt, with nothing disingenuous. It should be short and sweet, and kept to three or four minutes max. And a toast should be situational. Remember where you are and who your audience is, keeping in mind blended families, different cultures and age groups in the room.”
Carmichael has attended weddings where the person giving a toast has rambled on about themselves. “It’s about the couple getting married, not you,” she says. “Boundaries are important. Do not talk about past relationships. Keep things PG. Don’t tell an inside joke others won’t understand, and don’t give unsolicited advice. Ultimately keep in mind that if you’re at the wedding, you mean something to the couple and there’s something special to share, so be sure to reflect on your relationship.”
Remember the three S’s — be sincere, succinct and situational.
—Christine Carmichael, Flemming Academy of Etiquette & Protocol
Carmichael also recommends following a format to make speech writing less intimidating. “Have an opener — that’s as simple as ‘Good evening,’” she says. “Introduce yourself and how you know the couple. After that, share a personal story. Feel free to add an appropriate joke or an inspirational quote or poem about love, life, happiness and togetherness. Then offer your congratulations, encouragement and well wishes.”
For those in the wedding party who may want additional practice with public speaking skills, Toastmasters International is another good resource. With 280,000 members in 144 countries, Toastmasters International has helped people become more effective speakers since 1924. More than 30 local clubs meet weekly around the Richmond area, both in person and online, where members sharpen their speaking skills and practice in front of peers who offer constructive feedback in a judgment-free space.
“We’ve had members who have been active for 50-plus years, and others who join for six months to work on something specific, like an employee who wants to deliver an effective presentation for work or a maid of honor or father of the bride who wants to give a meaningful toast at an upcoming wedding,” says Matt Kinsey, president of Toastmasters International.
The Toastmasters website is chock-full of pointers and videos to help anyone learn how to become a more effective speaker. There is also a directory of Richmond-area clubs. “We welcome anyone to try out a club, observe a meeting and see what we’re all about and all we have to offer,” Kinsey says. “We’re here to help people become more comfortable and confident as leaders, communicators and public speakers, skills that will stay with them long after a wedding or event.”
Many nationwide polls have ranked the fear of public speaking ahead of snakes, spiders, heights and even death. Comedian Jerry Seinfeld points out, “This means, to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you’d rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Seinfeld might be exaggerating, but the fear of public speaking is no joke. Public speaking can cause butterflies, sweaty palms and dry mouth — just the thought of giving a speech can be paralyzing. The National Institute of Mental Health reports that public speaking anxiety, or glossophobia, affects nearly 75% of the population.
Even people who speak for a living can get nervous. The Rev. Paul Evans at Grace and Holy Trinity Church in Richmond had to overcome his fear of public speaking in seminary school, and he still prepares thoroughly for every Sunday service. “I think it boils down to keeping your message simple and showing empathy to the listeners — consider what they need to hear and why your message is important,” he says.
At the end of the day, it’s not so much the words but the emotion they evoke. When in doubt, follow the wisdom of Maya Angelou: “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Toasting Tips:
- Wait for the host to speak first.
- Stand up to be seen and heard.
- Introduce yourself.
- Keep it simple.
- Enunciate your words.
- Keep it PG.
- Limit your alcohol intake.
- Share a story that’s heartfelt and sincere.
- Limit your speech to three to four minutes.
- Refrain from inside jokes.
- Be respectful and kind.
- Remember it’s a toast, not a roast.
- Consider your audience.
- Prepare and practice.
- Take a public speaking class.
