Earthlings, Rejoice; GWARbar opens TONIGHT

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EARTHLINGS, REJOICE.

Crawl from the sludge and the mire of your petty human existence and make your way to GWARbar, because the much-anticipated blood-smeared bar and junk-food/comfort-food hellmouth opens tonight.

I’m standing upstairs in GWARbar’s unfinished second level, when co-owner Travis Croxton appears in the doorway on his cell phone. He flashes a quick thumbs-up when executive chef — and co-owner, and bartender, and guitarist Balsac the Jaws of Death — Michael Derks and chef de cuisine Jeremy Dutra flinch. “Yeah?” they ask almost simultaneously. Croxton holds up one finger, and after a number of thank-yous, hangs up the phone.

The Virginia Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control has, after some consideration — and reconsideration — approved GWARbar’s liquor license with hours left to spare before New Year’s Eve becomes New Year’s Day. The team’s understandably overwhelmed; it’s 4:30 p.m. and they’ve just learned they can open in a matter of hours. Derks is still typing the menu. The design team, Griffin Customs, is still layering thick black paint over the door frames and handmade booths downstairs.

“This is your call, man. This is your child,” Croxton says to Derks.

There’s only a slight pause before the three decide it’s on and it’s official and in a matter of minutes, everyone is moving with interstellar speed to the kitchen, to the bar, to their phones.

Come 7:30 p.m. tonight, Dec. 31, GWARbar’s unassuming orange doors will open in Jackson Ward. The place might still smell of wet paint. The full menu — a mix of gourmet junk food and classic bar fare all besmirched with GWAR-level grotesque names like “Pustulus” and “Jizz Mak n’ Cheese” — won’t be available. 

What curious GWAR fans and diners alike will find is a 59-seat restaurant and bar with fake blood splattered and smeared across the floor. They’ll find fiberglass light fixtures made from the same molds that created one of the last masks belonging to the late Oderus Urungus, and Balsac’s jaws of death. They’ll find tabletops covered in scans of GWAR ticket stubs, backstage passes and show fliers from the band’s personal collections, and a 12-seat bar covered in a slab of granite.

Tonight, mortal visitors will only find the full selection of snacks — featuring items like the pork rinds called “Swine Flesh” and tater tots dressed as “Cheese Toes” —  and appetizers like “Oderus’ Cuttlefish,” which is a portion of fried baby cuttlefish served with fried lemons with black garlic, capers, pepperoncini, basil and Cthulu sauce. While the only item from the sandwich/burger/”scumdog” section served tonight will be the Frank n’ Furter Scumdog (a pork, lamb, veal and bacon sausage with pickled jalapeño, onions and mustard), GWARbar will also unveil its gourmet twinkies and creamsicle cheesecake this evening.

In two to three weeks, the full menu will launch with salads, an extended selection of entrées, and a handful of the band’s famous GWARBQ items (with bottles of GWARBQ sauce available for retail). You want foie gras on that beefcake burger? You’ll have it. Craving a chicken-and-waffle sandwich with fried egg, maple-butter hot sauce and fennel slaw? The collective mind of GWAR’s cosmic warriors has you covered.

The bar and restaurant, open from 4 p.m. to 2 a.m. every day, plans to launch its heavy metal “brutal brunch” later in 2015, along with lunch and an outdoor patio and deck.

Its ever-evolving menu, Derks says, has been in the works for nearly one year.

“It’s a place where foodies can come and find weird stuff but people who aren’t really foodies can come and find stuff that’s really familiar and comfortable to them,” he adds. “They can indulge their inner child but in an adult way.”

If guests are really hoping to indulge in an adult way, GWARbar’s cocktails should provide ample ammunition with “kind of white-trash versions of craft cocktails; low-brow mixology,” says Derks.

On the menu are grotesquely intriguing GWARtinis, tiki drinks, cocktails and shots, as is an entire section of the menu entitled “Bring Back the Bombs” devoted to spins on classic bar shot-beer-liquor combinations, like the “Jagermonster,” a mix of Jägermeister and Monster energy drink.

Though Oderus Urungus (mortal alias Dave Brockie) never lived to see the completion of GWARbar, the team feels it’s an execution he would delight in.

“I think he would be ecstatic,” says Barry Griffin, owner and designer of Griffin Customs. “I think without knowing exactly what was in his mind, I think there was some very special place in the evolution of GWAR that GWARbar was filling.”

GWARbar is located at 217 W. Clay St. and will be open from 4 p.m. to 2 a.m. every day, providing the perfect location for fearing your intergalactic lords and feeding your hunger.