Illustration by Rachel Maves
Some say the perfect parent doesn’t exist. I disagree. I’ve seen many of them, actually. You know where you can see them, too?
Social media. Just check the comments section on any post about parenting or any picture of a child, especially if the topic is car seat safety, children’s dietary choices, discipline or breastfeeding.
Perhaps the most disturbing of these self-righteous parents are the ones who comment on stories about accidental deaths of children. I recently saw a devastating article about a child who drowned, and even though I knew better, I clicked on the comments. I was enraged by what I saw: “Ugh, where were the parents? So negligent!” and “I NEVER let my children out of my sight.” And so on.
Unlike many of the commenters, I read the article, and I learned that the child’s parents had done many things right. Their house doors were locked. The pool had a fence and gate that was locked. There were no toys in the pool. It was simply a heartbreaking accident.
Self-righteous posters are one reason that parenting in 2019 is so difficult. Our lives are on display, sometimes because we post about ourselves on social media and sometimes because a friend or relative posts a video or photo of us without our knowledge. I’ve seen both, and chances are you probably have, too.
When I was growing up, if my mother grabbed me by the ear in Food Lion because I was acting a fool, we didn’t have to worry about Nosy Nancy whipping out a smartphone and snapping a pic for Facebook with the hashtag #parentingfail.
Motherhood is hard, and social media has made it even harder. Innocent pictures of our kids can open us up to intense criticism about their safety and our parenting. Maybe some comments are well-meaning or well-placed, but often, they come across as rude, or just plain ignorant. People sometimes accuse my millennial generation of being over-protective as parents, but can you blame us, when we could become the next viral video or meme?
I’ll be honest: I admit that I find myself envious of other moms. The ones who post pictures of HGTV-worthy nurseries and kids’ rooms. Or dress their kids in coordinating fashionable outfits (that somehow never repeat?!). Or bake homemade bread every morning and enjoy it with coffee consumed in a mug they painted.
Kudos to them. If you are one of these moms, I am amazed by you, and I admire you. Those are your strengths, and I am proud to call you a fellow mama.
But I’m not that person. I tried to be, for a little while. When my daughter was born, I snapped photos of her obsessively. I always made sure the background was completely clutter free — no laundry, no toys on the floor, no dirty dishes on the counter. I tried to make sure I was at least wearing a cute shirt, since that would show up in the picture (not pictured: my granny panty bottoms or LuLaRoe leggings).
I’m unsure why I felt so insecure except that I knew I was going to be posting the photos on Facebook or Instagram, and I was pretending to be someone I’m not: Martha Stewart plus Betty Crocker plus Joanna Gaines.
But I’ve grown since then and realized that authenticity is a more desirable trait than organization, perfection and maintaining an image. So when I’m scrolling through Instagram I no longer allow myself to feel inadequate when I see moms who do daily crafts with their kids or stroller workouts or whatever else fulfills them and makes them happy. I don’t judge them like I used to, and I don’t envy them, either. I smile and keep scrolling.
Because you know what my strengths are? Reading the same book aloud to my child over and over with all sorts of awesome accents and voices. Creating and singing my own lullabies and wake-up songs. Saving tons of money on clothes by shopping at consignment stores and not caring if my daughter isn’t a fashionista because everyone is too busy looking at her contagious smile to notice what she’s wearing anyway.
No one is a better or worse mother for these differences. You being crafty and fashionable is not wrong. Me being perpetually dressed in yoga pants and refusing to decorate my house is also not wrong.
We all love our babies.
We should celebrate our differences. We should refuse to allow comparison to be the thief of joy. And if we need to be more mindful of what we post and consume on social media to make this happen, then let’s do it, for the sake of each other, our mental health and our precious children.
Christine Suders is a high school English teacher, writer and volleyball coach. She's married to her high school sweetheart and mom to a tenacious toddler.
