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If your car started puffing out plumes of dark smoke, you’d take it to a mechanic. And if you started noticing that your regular workout wasn’t cutting it anymore, you could hire a personal trainer. But who do you call when your parenting techniques are being tested to the breaking point? With COVID-19-related social distancing, many families are newly tasked with balancing work, school and life in close quarters. We asked certified parenting coach MegAnne Ford of Be Kind Coaching to answer a few of our isolation-induced parenting questions.
Richmond magazine: What are you seeing and hearing now from parents?
MegAnne Ford (Photo by Jasmine Star)
MegAnne Ford: From the parents I work with, they are feeling nervous but prepared. They are leaving messages of gratitude for having tools and community to move through this stressful time feeling empowered and capable.
From the parents I see on social media, there is a lot of overwhelm, stress and fear. The truth is that we are in uncharted territory in so many aspects, and it is testing our tools of resilience and growth on a human scale. There is no protocol for moments like this, so it means we are creating the protocol every day with every change.
RM: How can parents help their children understand and cope with COVID-19 and social distancing while managing their own complicated emotions?
Ford: The best help that parents can give to their children is to first work to calm themselves and process the information for themselves. In times of crisis it’s OK to say, “I don’t know, but I’m doing my best to find the right answer. My job is to keep you safe, and I take that job seriously.”
What we are all navigating right now is scary, and when we are scared, our brains shift into survival mode. We are perfectly designed for survival. So what I always advocate is sending messages of “You are safe” or “My job is to keep you safe” or “Your school is working to keep everyone safe.” When we send and reinforce messages of safety, and when we calm ourselves, we help our brains shift out of panic mode.
RM: How much news is too much to share with our kids?
Ford: Developmentally, children’s brains process information differently. The ages of your children will dictate how much information they can safely process. The important thing to remember is there is no “right way” or “wrong way” to share information with your children.
- For children under 3, I would just share messages of safety and their direct world: “School and parks are closed, so we will stay at home. We do this to keep everyone safe.”
- For children under 7, I would share details that relate to them directly: “School is closed, so we will do our best to do our work together. There is a germ that is spreading, and everyone is working to keep everyone safe.”
- For children under 13, I would share more details: “COVID-19 is spreading rapidly, so everyone in the world has joined together to keep everyone safe.”
- For children over 13, I would recommend just fielding questions.
One way to start the conversation is to ask your child, “What do you know about what’s going on?” This will give you information on what they’ve heard and how they made sense of it. Even when we aren’t speaking directly to children, they are sponges, they hear bits and pieces and work to make sense of them.
I would follow up with, “Do you have any questions? I will do my best to answer them.” This will help you learn the questions they have while establishing open lines of communication.
RM: What are some simple tools families can use to improve communication during this transition?
Ford: I would ask the family the question, “What would make this easier for us all?” And work from that space. The situation is constantly changing and growing, so the plan you make today might change tomorrow.
There is a push to make this time productive, and this is really a time of doing the work to stay calm and safe. We don’t know what the future will hold in terms of going back to normal routines, so for now we are redefining what normal is. For some, that might feel overwhelming and stressful, but I see that as a massive opportunity to reconnect and ground together.
RM: There are so many people who find themselves working from home right now and simultaneously losing child care and having children in a range of ages needing to be fed, educated and maybe even entertained. How can working parents achieve any semblance of work-life balance when the two have meshed into one unending parade of responsibility?
Ford: I think this is the million-dollar question that everyone is asking right now, but the truth is we are redefining what this will look like for everyone in the future. We are going to redefine what the work-life balance is, and to be honest, there is no right or wrong way. This doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing situation; it’s about learning how to adapt.
This will not be ideal, but that’s because this situation is not ideal. So finding what the new balance looks like for you is going to be more about asking yourself, “What is in my control to do?” and “How can I communicate that to the people at work who need to know?”
[Recently] Craig Melvin of the Today Show was tele-reporting, and his two children, dressed in their finest PJs, popped in frame and said “Hi!” to all of America watching. They still had their bedhead and I’m sure hadn’t brushed their teeth — but instead of battling them to stay off camera, Craig just welcomed them in to say hi, and they quickly ran away. This was an example of Craig finding his new normal.
RM: How can parents work with their kids to set healthy boundaries right now?
Green: When parents are looking to set healthy boundaries with their children, I always advocate for staying kind and firm. Because this may be new to them, and you, it will take some practice, so I want to encourage you to keep showing up.
I like to teach my coaching clients a framework that I created called the C.L.E.A.R. method. It’s the perfect way to set and enforce boundaries that are kind and firm, using the following mnemonic: C-connection, L-limits, E-empowerment, A-accountability, R-reconnection.
Let’s imagine that they are wanting to come into your designated makeshift office while you’re about to hop on a conference call using the C.L.E.A.R. method:
C- Connection: “I see you’re frustrated; it’s hard right now because you want to come play in my office.”
L- Limit: “I am going to be on a conference call for 20 minutes, and I need help keeping my office quiet, so I’m going to ask that you play in the living room.”
E- Empowerment: What would you like to do for 20 minutes?”
A- Accountability: Set a timer and create an agreement saying, “When this timer goes off, we can play together. I’ll shut my computer, and you can come on in!” This keeps them accountable to knowing when they can “bother” you and you accountable that your meetings will end on time — this helps build trust that will help everything run smoother.
R- Reconnection: “Thank you for giving me space to make my call; I know that might not have been easy, but I appreciate your effort! Let’s play until my next meeting in an hour!”
When we can communicate, set limits, build trust and enjoy each other we can start to put into process systems that will help us ease into this new normal.
