Trust the Process

Sleepaway experiences create opportunities for growth

by

Summer sleepaway camps seemingly have an endless array of happenings, both fun and challenging: songs around a campfire, missing family and friends, new and different sports and activities, navigating communal living. Parents who themselves enjoyed overnight camps might easily encourage their offspring to attend. But parents who never spent weeks away from home during the summer might not understand the appeal, or might wonder if the experience is worth the cost and effort.

As with so many aspects of parenting, the answer is this: It depends.

The Big Picture

“Summer camp is an optional activity — I don’t think any kid should be forced to do summer camp if they are really, really against it and would go kicking and screaming,” says Bergen Nelson, a pediatrician at Children’s Hospital of Richmond at VCU. “Kids may initially be hesitant and have anxiety, but also see the benefit of the experience. There’s a great lesson in that you can be a little bit nervous about something and still go and have a great time.”

Nelson notes that sleepaway camps give children the chance to spread their wings. “Kids develop independence, self-confidence [and] self-esteem, and can work on all those social-emotional skills we all need,” she says. But, she adds, a child should have certain skills before they head off for a week — or more — on their own. “They need to know how to get themselves dressed, brush their teeth, eat a meal, even manage their own emotional regulation,” she says. “Parents also want to make sure they feel comfortable with the level of supervision at the camp. You want to make sure safety protocols are in place, especially with swimming in a lake or boating.”

Matt Bitsko, a licensed clinical psychologist and the founder and director of Summit Emotional Health, agrees. “[Kids] should have a decent level of social skills, perhaps not fully formed, but developmentally on track,” he says. “Camp can be a wonderful, structured place for kids to learn skills. It’s all built-in.”

Bitsko adds that anxiety about going to camp doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker.

“Instead, parents can think about how, over time, to prepare that child, even starting months ahead,” he says. “You can start small, with teaching self-soothing [techniques], so the child can gain some self-confidence. If a parent isn’t sure how a child will deal with a first night, start with play dates that maybe lead to a sleepover.”

Bitsko says that preparation can include many conversations — or not. “If a kid doesn’t want to go to camp, don’t connect [the preparatory] experiences” to summer plans, he says. “If a kid wants to go, then tell him. And don’t forget the utility of brevity. Have multiple short conversations, instead of one long one.”

In addition to the activities and friends that are found at summer camp, Bitsko points to long-lasting internal benefits. “It helps a kid define his identity, to individuate away from parents,” he says. “Summer camp helps build confidence. People learn over time that [they] might not know how to do something, and it might be weird or awkward, but it will be OK.”

Taking the Plunge

Anne Walker knew she wanted her children to experience sleepaway summer camps, even though she didn’t enjoy her own childhood experience the one year she went in Wisconsin. “I went to two weeks of Girl Scout camp and absolutely hated it,” she says. “I was terribly homesick.”

Walker’s children had an advantage over their mother: With two boys and two girls in the family, they were able to attend single-sex camps in Maine with a sibling in tow. The children — the oldest, Emily, and the triplets, Lila, George and Thomas — went to camps Timanous and Wohelo, which are situated near one another north of Portland, Maine.

“They were different children when they came home [that first year]; they were so much more confident and independent.” —Anne Walker, parent

With all the children born within 20 months of each other, Walker says she looked for ways to help them separate. “I thought the more opportunities I gave them not to be in this nuclear family all the time, the better,” she says. “When we did summer stuff, we were always together. It was nice to give them other experiences.”

The children started at the Maine camps in 2008, and except for a couple of years when George tried out another camp, they returned until they aged out in their upper teens. “They really loved it,” Walker says. “They were different children when they came home [that first year]; they were so much more confident and independent.”

That first year, the children did the half session, three and a half weeks. Later, the triplets extended to the full seven weeks, while the oldest, Emily, kept with the shorter duration, because she had plans at home. Walker acknowledges that the full camp experience meant that sacrifices were made. Her younger daughter couldn’t attend summer soccer camps, and her sons weren’t at Boy Scout camps with friends from home. But even after they aged out as campers, her sons returned as counselors.

“Timanous made [my sons] thoughtful young men,” she says. “As counselors, they dealt with children in difficult situations. I think they’re much more compassionate, understanding young men as a result of being there.”

A Family Tradition

For Jennifer and Scott Ruth, there was no question their children would attend sleepaway summer camp. Scott says camp was instrumental in shaping his life.

“It was fun, but you were also learning different life skills and making new friends,” he says. “You learn hard things, like riding horses, in a safe environment. And everybody is involved, so kids can discover a sport they love, whether that’s baseball or tennis or exploring and hiking. Plus, you learn from one another. The campers are all teaching one another — they’re young leaders, and they want to be there. I believe positive peer pressure is a good thing.”

Jennifer says she’s happy her children — daughter Anne Mason and sons Scotty, Bayler and Parker — found activities that aren’t necessarily part of their everyday life at home. “They had access to a lake or river, they learned to play outdoor games and cards,” she says. “It’s good, old-fashioned fun without a phone or computer.”

She also appreciates unstructured family time in the summer, but likes to make time for sleepaway camp, too. “I love a combination summer where you have time at home but also time away, where [kids] can learn to grow and be yourself and become your own person.”

Benefits All Around

Bitsko says that as children grow, parenting has to change along with them. “Sometimes parents [of teenagers] want recipes: ‘Just give me the directions. What should I do, what portion of ingredients, what time, how do I do it?’ ” he says. “It’s my hope that you will become a chef, so no matter what’s put in front of you, you can take a breath and proceed with the ingredients in front of you.”

And sleepaway camp can help parents breathe, too, Nelson says. “Parenting is really hard, especially in the last couple of years with the pandemic and everyone being home and out of school,” she says. “You have to let them explore on their own and be a safe harbor for them to come back to.”

Parent Monica Brinkley Davis says she and her husband embrace their together time when their 16-year-old daughter, Brinkley, is away at the same summer camp in Pennsylvania that Davis attended. “It’s an opportunity for us as a couple to hang out, have fun and reconnect, she says.

Plus, Davis says, she knows her daughter is in a good place. “It’s really amazing, when they go off and have to figure it out on their own, and they know how to do it, you can see that you’ve prepared them,” she says. “It is empowering for them as young, independent humans. Trust the process.” 

The Student Becomes the Master

Life lessons from campers turned counselors

George Walker spent five years as a counselor at the same camp he attended as a child, Camp Timanous in Maine, and he says his return year after year was all about one thing: the people.

“If there weren’t continuity with the same people and the same friends, I wouldn’t have kept going,” he says.

Walker, 23, says counselor continuity is a good thing for parents to look for in a summer camp. “If a counselor was a camper [at that camp], they are more likely to be invested. If they’re sticking around, they’re likely happy there.”

Morgan Jamison, 20, worked last summer as a counselor at Camp Mont Shenandoah in Millboro, Virginia, where she had spent five years as a camper. She agrees that it’s a good sign when campers transition to counselors, noting that this indicates quality and sustainability.

“Traditions bring everyone together,” she says. “I think [being a former camper] made it easier to be a counselor because I knew the traditions and people [at camp]. When the kids came, it made it easier to explain things to them.”

George Walker’s sister, Emily, 24, attended a sister camp in Maine but worked as a counselor at Passages Adventure Camp, a program in Richmond that specializes in day camps on and around the James River. Emily Walker says she appreciates not only the extensive outdoor training she received, but also the “soft skill” training that enabled her to relate to campers when they needed help.

“You have people watching you and looking up to you and imitating you. It forces you to be more intentional about how you carry yourself.” —George Walker, camper turned counselor

“I remember having a camper [one day] who really opened up about personal issues,” she says. “That was one of those moments when I realized I was a role model and had skills I didn’t know I had. It’s so fulfilling to see kids excel on their hard skills, but knowing that someone has found a pretty deep level of comfort with you is pretty scary and pretty touching.”

Brinkley Davis, 16, was eager to become a counselor because of the strong relationship between campers and counselors at Camp Netimus in Pennsylvania. “They were my best friends, along with the campers,” she says.

As a junior counselor-in-training last summer, Davis’ instruction included evaluations and feedback from returning counselors, so the juniors could understand what was expected of them. “Because we’re the oldest kids in camp, campers see us as the example,” she says. “They’re more likely to listen to you because you’re closer in age … and I was held to a standard where I couldn’t [always] have as much fun as I wanted to because I needed to act as a role model.”

In the end, George Walker says, the benefit for him in becoming a counselor was a new self-awareness. “You realize for the first time that you have people watching you and looking up to you and imitating you,” he says. “It forces you to be more intentional about how you carry yourself, in all kinds of ways.”

Direct From the Directors

Thoughts on the benefits of sleepaway camp

From John Swanwick, camp director for AstroCamp, Camp Motorsport and Camp CHOP (three specialty camps that share a site in Clover):

On the benefits: “They learn life skills. Between the impacts of social media and COVID-19, kids have started to lose the ability to communicate and interact with one another. Kids learn to live in close quarters, where they have to communicate their feelings with each other and be mindful of other people’s needs.”

On the goal: “We’re a team. We’re going to work together to make it through summer. It’s a lot — a sprint, for sure. We’re trying to get everybody through with the best experience. At the end, every kid should feel like they have a friend.”

From Jeanette Reynolds, center director for Southwest Virginia 4-H Educational Center in Abingdon:

On trying sleepaway camp: “Virginia 4-H Centers are a great place to start because they offer a [weeklong] experience. It’s a great way to get an idea of what it’s like to be independent in a camp community for a shorter time. 4-H camps are available and accessible to everyone, throughout the state.”

On the benefits: “Outside of kids possibly being introduced to new experiences, skills and activities, there’s the social-emotional life skills that sleepaway camp helps to foster. In 4-H camp surveys, kids report learning responsibility, and parents report they see their child taking more initiative.”