Illustration by Carson McNamara
We all have them: treasures we keep in a box that hold a special place in our hearts. For me, it’s keychains; I try to buy one from every place I visit.
For my late father, it was various tools and spare machinery parts I had to Google to identify when he passed away. For my late grandfather, it was letters: from Hank Aaron (I have a copy of that), Bob Costas (yes, I copied that one, too) and a dozen other people I don’t know.
The items we choose to keep — or toss — communicate something about us. Going through several family losses has inspired me to prioritize my life now. The choices I am making are for the sake of living a more full and peaceful life now as well as to hopefully ease the transition for the loved ones I’ll leave behind someday.
Here’s some of what these experiences have taught me.
Clutter vs. Treasure
Respect that another person may have a different relationship with material items than you do. My dad was asked plenty of times to declutter the garage, but he never got around to it. Not only was our garage unusable while he was still alive, but we also were left with boxes of random items to sort after his unexpected passing last spring.
To him, those items had meaning, value and purpose, even if the rest of us couldn’t see it. Instead of us nagging him to throw stuff away and him ignoring us, clear communication may have been more helpful: labeling the boxes with their items, explaining the meaning of certain things and tossing the broken or useless trinkets.
When we share a space with someone, it’s important to work collaboratively to ensure the space functions for everyone in the home, says professional organizer Jessica Luck of Inspiring Organization in Mechanicsville.
“We often focus so much on how we want our homes to look that we don’t think enough about how we want our homes to make us feel,” she says. “Having an organized home isn’t about the pretty ‘after’ pictures but living peacefully in your home while you juggle all of life’s responsibilities.”
Material objects in and of themselves are not inherently bad, and we all have different thresholds for the amount of clutter we can tolerate, Luck says. However, it’s important to have a healthy attachment to any items we possess.
“There’s a freedom in not being overly attached to things,” she says. “You’re able to enjoy coming home and focus on what matters the most in life: family and experiences with them.”
Get your paperwork in order.
It’s not just physical stuff — get your legal and financial stuff in order, too. After my dad passed, we went searching for his will and discovered we only had a copy. Fortunately, my siblings and I get along well, so the probate process was simple, but this isn’t always the case.
Estate planning attorney Anna Flewelling of Dunlap Law PLC has worked with numerous clients over the years who wish they (or their family members) had gotten their documents straight sooner.
“This is important because either you decide [what happens to your assets] or someone else decides for you. Virginia has pretty detailed plans for where your money goes if you don’t have a will, and they just go down the list,” she says. “So whether you have a good relationship with your family or not, it doesn’t matter. If you don’t have a will, it goes where the law says it goes.”
Flewelling says that everyone needs a will, power of attorney and advance medical directive. If you have children, research revocable trusts. If you’re considering marriage, you may want to consider a prenuptial agreement as well.
Enlist help from professionals.
When my husband and I created our first will, we paid a few hundred bucks and used an online service, thinking that was sufficient. However, after my dad’s passing, we realized it wasn’t, so we hired a local attorney to redo our estate planning documents. Walking through that process with an attorney showed us how many gaps there were in our original will, which I subsequently shredded.
Why didn’t we just use a local attorney the first time? A few reasons: cost, ignorance and convenience.
“Most people don’t even know about power of attorney and advance medical directives, so I’ve found that people come in and ask me for a will and then say, ‘Oh, I didn’t know I needed those, too,’” Flewelling says.
She adds that the cost of paying an attorney for estate planning is a hurdle as well. “That’s a tough one to overcome, honestly, because there isn’t a lot of money in legal aid for things like this. More lawyers need to provide these services for free or at a reduced cost for families.”
Most people I know avoid talking about these kinds of choices because they are usually associated with sad events, especially death. That makes us hesitant to tell our loved ones our wishes. Trust me, though, we would rather know than be left guessing once you’re gone or once life situations get complicated. Who do I want to have my keychain collection? What should be done with my dad’s collection of odd tools?
The benefits of having our affairs in order and life simplified don’t have to wait until we die; they can start while we’re still alive.
Christine Suders learned to write by exchanging letters with her grandfather, who sent them back bleeding with corrections, throughout her childhood. She resides in Varina with her high school sweetheart and two spirited daughters. Disclosure: Suders is the practice manager at Dunlap Law PLC.
