Illustration by Victoria Borges
I was back at work for less than one week last spring before COVID-19 upended society. I had given birth to Lily, our second daughter, at the end of January, and like most teachers, I was only able to take six weeks off from work.
On Monday, March 9, 2020, I drove my chubby newborn to her sitter’s house with a box of diapers and a few bottles, choked out a tearful goodbye and went to work. My high school students had lots of questions for me on that first day back: “How’s the baby?” “What’s her name?” “Do we have to make up all the work we didn’t do for the six weeks you were out?” “Are you worried about this coronavirus situation?”
I told them that the baby was perfect, her name was Lily, of course you have to make up your work and no, I wasn’t too worried about the coronavirus. As a class, we looked up articles about the coronavirus on CNN, Fox News and The New York Times; students shared their fears and concerns (or lack thereof) and debated what impact this novel virus would have on us.
Four days later, I saw those students in person for the last time. Because Friday, March 13, was the day my world, like many others, shut down.
I continued to send Kat and Lily to child care the next week because I (naively and optimistically) thought that maybe the school shutdown would only be for a couple weeks. Soon, though, it became apparent that I would be finishing the school year teaching from home, and my husband and I pulled our girls from child care. Like so many other parents, I embarked upon a journey I never intended to pursue: working virtually from home with my kids there.
Parenting during a global pandemic is ridiculously hard. Whether we were struggling to find child care, deciding where and how to do play dates or agonizing over what type of educational setting would be best for our children, we were all faced with less-than-perfect choices.
And yet, many of us discovered some pandemic parenting blessings, too. No more saying “yes” to play dates we really didn’t want to go on. No more overbooked weekends of figuring out how to make it to swim lessons and karate class and soccer all at the same time. And, for me, the greatest upside of parenting during a pandemic was this: no more parenting with an audience.
With my first daughter, who was born in 2017, I was on edge whenever I took her out of the house. I would mentally prepare comebacks for anyone who dared criticize me for nursing her in public. I would arm myself to deal with well-meaning but ignorant comments about what she was eating or how much she ate. I worried that her tantrums were a reflection on me. I wish I didn’t care what others thought about my parenting, but I did, and I didn’t want others thinking I was raising an undisciplined, entitled hooligan.
It wasn’t until 2020, when I was home with my newborn and toddler because of the pandemic, that I realized how much of my anxiety about parenting was due to social expectations and my desire to appear competent to everyone else. Over the past year, parenting without an audience has given me the space to grow more confident in my own choices without worrying about others. I can simply focus on my kids, my feelings and our relationships without having to pause to explain anything to a stranger or worry if I am going to get recorded and be the next viral TikTok video.
I have been able to cultivate emotional intelligence in my 3-year-old because we have had the time and privacy to talk things over after a big tantrum, something that I don’t think I could (or would) do if said tantrum took place in Publix. I have fed the girls adult-sized portions of chicken nuggets and fries without getting nasty glances or comments from people about how much they eat or how big their bites are.
The past year taught me that despite my many mistakes, I am a good mom. I know my children and what’s best for them better than anyone else.
So as the world opens back up, I feel conflicted. Am I ready to parent in front of an audience again? Am I prepared to drag a screaming toddler out of Kroger if necessary, or am I going to keep doing curbside pickup? Will my confidence in my parenting choices dwindle when Lily starts screaming in the middle of church or Katherine defies me in a parking lot?
I suspect, like many other families, we will have to dip our toes in the ocean of post-pandemic parenting and slowly wade in to avoid getting swept up in the current of pre-pandemic anxiety, expectations and overscheduling. Hopefully, the confidence I’ve gained over the past year will keep me afloat in a sea of parenting uncertainty, no matter who’s watching.
Christine Suders is a high school English teacher, writer and volleyball coach. She’s married to her high school sweetheart and is the mom of two young children.
