Illustration by Victoria Borges
Like other Americans, I was disheartened and moved to tears on Aug. 12, after awaking to images of hate groups carrying torches in a “Unite the Right” rally in Charlottesville. White nationalists and other right-wing groups were there to protest the city’s plan to remove symbols and statues linked to the Confederate past.
As the day wore on, 32-year-old Heather Heyer was killed and 19 others were injured when a car was driven into a group of peaceful counter-protestors.
All of America has since been dealing with the trauma of that violent weekend. These events left adults dazed and perplexed — so imagine how our children feel. In moments like these, children need their parents to have a crucial conversation with them about an uncomfortable topic: racial tension and violence in America.
The key is to help children fully understand racism and its societal implications.
As an African-American man and father of a 9-month-old boy, I was relieved to know that I didn’t have to facilitate this conversation with him just yet, but I know that one day, I will. Research shows that kids as young as 2 years old are aware of racial injustice.
Parents with school-age children don’t have the luxury of putting off these types of discussions. How do they explain to their children that we live in an imperfect world, where tragedies like this happen quite frequently? How do they protect their children’s innocence and sense of safety while empowering them to stay safe?
Prepping for the Conversation
Before you talk to your kids about traumatic events involving race and social justice, have conversations with people of different races and perspectives for a fuller understanding of the issues. You will gain insight into the big picture and, as a result, frame the discussion appropriately. There is no way you can educate your children about something you don’t fully understand yourself. Your kids will have plenty of questions, and they are expecting you to provide the answers.
If your circle of friends only includes people who are like you, look online for resources. Read articles from a different perspective or visit the Twitter feeds of people who represent a different background from you.
If you are initiating the conversation in response to a situation your child faced directly, be prepared. Make sure you are ready to share resources they can use for support when they are in a crisis. This includes providing them with strategies they can use to navigate their environment safely. This is an especially poignant point for parents of color.
Having the Conversation
Initiate the talk in a distraction-free environment. Start off by finding out what they already know. A simple question such as, “What have you heard about what happened?” should suffice. Based on what they say, you can correct any misinformation, and supplement what they already know with details.
Help them activate their higher-order thinking skills by asking them questions like, “Do you have any idea why this occurred?” and “What are your thoughts on the matter?” Give them space to ask questions and to express their thoughts openly, and validate their feelings. Share how you feel and what your reaction is to an event or issue.
Here are some age-based suggestions for shaping your discussion:
Younger Children (4 to 9): For this age group, use language that is simple and easily digestible. Don’t fall into the trap of saying “We don’t see color.” That’s too vague, and just an excuse to avoid an uncomfortable conversation. All parents should tell their children that sometimes people are mistreated because of the color of their skin and that this type of behavior is wrong. They should be taught to never engage in this kind of activity.
Children should be taught they should not be bystanders to bullying and racism and that if they observe it, they should tell an adult. Encourage young children, and all children for that matter, to be empathetic to people of all racial and ethnic backgrounds. Be a role model for them by practicing what you preach and having a diverse group of friends.
Older Children (10 to 18): With older children, you can have in-depth conversations about the Klu Klux Klan, white supremacy, homophobia and anti-Zionism. Bear in mind that although they may understand most of what they are exposed to at this age, they may not understand the historical themes at play.
If older children feel helpless after your talk, there’s an opportunity to help them understand how to be active citizens, and become the change they want to see in the world. They can join a social justice organization at school or even start their own. They can engage with activists and policymakers to influence legislation. The possibilities are endless.
Other Considerations: A problem white parents face in talking with their children about racism and intolerance is the psychological impact of such teaching. With the knowledge of racism and the role played by people who look like them in perpetuating it, your kids could experience guilt and shame, especially if they have a diverse group of friends.
For African-American parents, broaching the topic of racism and social injustice is not an option, it’s a necessity. We owe it to our kids to tell them the truth. This means informing them that some people will hate them because of their skin color. Being honest with your children will help build trust. As a result, they will be more likely to open up to you about experiencing discrimination and racism and come to you for advice and answers.
The key is to help children fully understand racism and its societal implications.
Conclusion
Events like those that took place in Charlottesville are not isolated, and the conversation should not be, either. Crucial conversations about race and social justice are bound to be awkward, but they must be had. We can’t pretend racism, violence or our country’s history don’t exist.
The goal of parents must be to help their children become respectful of other races, cultures and people. This can be daunting, given the world is infinitely more complex and diverse than the community their kids inhabit. All we can do is prepare our children for the present and the future, and hope our efforts are enough. If we work together, we can shape the future into an era of inclusion and acceptance. And it starts with what we teach our children now.
Matthew Lynch is a Richmond-based educational consultant and the editor of theedadvocate.org and thetechedvocate.org.
