John Charlet officiates an intimate Luray Caverns wedding ceremony in August 2020 for Richmond couple Chelsea and Joe. (Photo by Ray Photography Co. courtesy John Charlet)
Ten years ago, I was asked to officiate a wedding for a friend (something I knew little about), and I was asked to write an article about my experience as a wedding celebrant for this magazine. My friend’s wedding day marked the beginning of a personal odyssey. I’ve teamed with more than 100 couples from varied backgrounds, in dozens of venues, through every type of weather, and have loved every minute. It’s a privilege to connect with the couples to help their ceremony reflect their personal story. And while I’ve honed my wedding officiant talents over the decade, I’ve also learned what couples should look for, and ask for, when enlisting their celebrant. Based on my own hits and misses, here are some tips and tricks for your ceremony.
1. Start with the basics. Talk to your partner about your shared vision for the ceremony. What, if any, religious elements would you like to include? How long do you want it to be? Knowing the answers to these questions before meeting with your officiant will establish the groundwork for the ceremony and assist your celebrant in working with you to execute the matrimony of your dreams.
2. What’s essential to you? Once you’ve got the basics down, brainstorm with your partner about what’s meaningful to you as a twosome. This will help you determine themes you’d like to weave into the ceremony. Maybe it’s music, or your professions. Maybe it’s your love of the beach, or your favorite college football teams.
3. The personnel make it personal. Think about whether you'd like to honor any of your family or friends by making them a part of your ceremony. Do you have an uncle or aunt who’d shine by doing a reading or reciting some poetry? Maybe a particularly spiritual member of your family can say the opening prayer.
4. Cast a wide net. Don’t get hemmed in by convention. Some of the most meaningful add-ins are silly inside jokes that your officiant can explain to the gathered group (or not). I’ve heard a set of vows made entirely out of quotes from “The Simpsons,” and truly heartfelt readings of Earth, Wind & Fire lyrics. When it comes to including wedding readings, the sky is the limit: Do four readings, or none — it’s totally up to you.
5. To phone, or not to phone. If you’d like for your ceremony to be sans phones, let your officiant know. They should be able to manage announcements stating your preference. Just keep in mind that there’s always a rogue who thinks rules don’t apply to them.
6. How doth thou vow? There are two main ways to create your vows: You can write your own, or you can repeat them after the celebrant. If you go for the former, be on the same page with your future spouse. Consider a time estimate (two or three minutes is a good start). This may not be a good option if you have trouble speaking in public or when you’re highly emotional. As a person who nearly didn’t get through their own vows because of my uncontrollable sobbing, I can attest: If you’re a crier, consider repeated vows. If that’s the path you choose, there’s nothing stopping you from scripting some yourself (or finding something that’s already been scripted). Your officiant should have something traditional or may be able to help you find something suitable.
7. Comfort is king. When choosing a celebrant for your nuptials, your priority should be comfort. Is the person you’re considering easy to work with, and are they open and considerate of your feedback?
There are details galore to explore with your officiant, but referencing these tips will get you well on the road to crafting a ceremony that’s meaningful to you and your guests.
John Charlet has been officiating weddings for more than 10 years. A husband, father, teacher and music enthusiast, he loves working with couples to bring their ceremony visions to life. He can be contacted at virginiaweddingofficiant.com.
