Illustration by Jamie Douglas
Foretelling the future is a tough gig; it’s why we at The Peedmont online network stick to satire and fake news versus trying to predict the weather. Despite that, we feel reasonably confident that the following events will take place in 2020. Just don’t come yelling at us if we’re wrong.
Richmond will host the 2020 Craft Beer Pong Championship Tournament.
Admittedly, we don’t know if there is such an event involving craft beer, given that the sport is traditionally played with the most foul-tasting, watered-down hoppy beverage imaginable. But assuming the tournament exists, it makes perfect sense for Richmond to be the host; we’ve got the space at some of the larger breweries, we’ve got the craft beer community that will come out to support it, and we’re no stranger to putting on events that attract a worldwide audience. Remember the UCI bike race thing from a few years ago? Think about it — we could get another “Welcome to Richmond” sign placed on the other entrance of Interstate 95 from this.
Affordable housing will finally be placed on the Endangered Species list.
Depending on what part of town you live in, you may believe that this is long past due. Given that the overall cost to live here increases every second (your rent has gone up $5 since you clicked this link to Richmond magazine), we’re confident that economists will add affordable housing to the Endangered Species watchlist, next to the likes of the Bengal tiger, sea lions and the number of unmetered parking spaces remaining downtown.
A sinkhole will destroy The Diamond, and Mayor Stoney will award it the Coliseum demolition contract.
This might seem like a stretch, we know, but don’t underestimate our clairvoyance just yet. Here’s how it will go down. At the start of the week, a massive sinkhole will develop beneath The Diamond, destroying it. The sinkole’s depth and ferocity will catch the attention of Mayor Levar Stoney, who will organize a committee to negotiate a deal for the sinkhole to do the same thing to the Coliseum. The way the mayor sees it, it’ll work out great: We’ll demolish the abandoned stadium at a low cost, thus saving money to construct an epic arena that would impress Julius Caesar himself.
Don’t worry — Nutzy will survive the disaster unharmed.
