Bethany Frazier and Ashleigh Lum at home in North Side with 1-year-old Palmer (Photo by Kate Thompson)
When I became pregnant with Palmer, my wife and I had many conversations about the parents we wanted to be and how we would navigate the complexities of being same-sex parents. A recurring discussion centered around gender and our strong desire not to put our child in a box based on the parts they were born with. We were unsure exactly how this would translate for us, but as divine timing would have it, my aunt gifted me with the book “Raising Them” by Kyl Myers.
The book breaks down the deep-rooted gender construct within our culture, the inequity it creates, and the obsessive gendering of babies and children. The best takeaway, though, is the real-life experience of Myers adopting gender-creative parenting to foster openness and exploration with their child. It became clear that encouraging an environment for our child to express who they were (or weren’t) on their own time was a gift — one of choice, safety and self-discovery.
As my belly began to grow, I started getting the “What are you having?” question (along with the assumption that there was a husband involved), a harmless conversation starter I’ve asked myself numerous times before understanding what it can unconsciously construct. Referring to our gestating baby as “them” or responding with “we’re not finding out or focused on the sex” felt like a solid warmup to our journey ahead. Using this intentional language began to unravel my conditioning regarding gender and, at times, it gave me space to reflect on my own shifting identity on the gender spectrum.
For every gender reveal, baby shower, hyper-gendered item of baby clothing, or #BoyMom or #GirlDad hashtag I’d come across, the societal illusion of what is feminine or masculine, girl or boy, and the narratives created around this seemed to show up everywhere.
Palmer came into the world last February, a fast and powerful experience for the three of us. I decided not to share Palmer’s sex on social media; however, we did choose to share it with our family and close friends. We currently use a mix of pronouns — embracing “they/them” and “she/her,” and we have encouraged our loved ones to do the same. Using them interchangeably keeps things open verbally and allows us to choose which option feels safe in certain situations until Palmer tells us how they identify. Their closet is full of hand-me-downs, an abundant assortment of colors, textures and styles. Toys consist of trucks, dolls, puzzles and many books. We’ve asked for updates on medical intake forms to reflect more gender-inclusive language. We model neutral language by referring to others as a “person” if we’re unsure how they identify. This is what gender-creative parenting looks like for us, and it will look different for other parents.
Ultimately, dressing Palmer in gender-neutral clothing, providing them with space to explore identity and using neutral pronouns won’t generate immediate change within our culture. Nor is it a bubble to cushion Palmer from reality or hurt. Gender neutrality makes sense to us as parents and is the best decision for our family.
The common pushback is that it creates confusion for the child. This rhetoric often comes from adults who are confounded by the vast world of gender exploration and possess an unwillingness to see the tender intention and safety it can provide to someone trying to figure themselves out. What seems confusing is being restricted to identity, a name, societal expectations, clothing choices, opportunities and interests because of the genitals you were born with. I give these folks grace for their confusion masked as resistance rather than shaming them. After all, some of these individuals might be our family and friends (although we haven’t received negativity). It can be uncomfortable to welcome new awareness and understanding of how we relate to others.
Ultimately, children are wildly open; they have yet to be conditioned and can comprehend and accept more than we assume. Children also start to attach to a gender identity starting around 3 years old.
Gender is a profoundly complex thing, and I firmly believe it is a spectrum rather than a black or white binary. In becoming a parent, I’ve been careful to divorce gender from sex by raising Palmer without limitations or pressures on how they identify. We didn’t have a child to be a carbon copy of us, nor would we desire it.
If Palmer decides they are transgender, nonbinary, queer or a happy heterosexual cisgender human, our love, respect and openness will never cease. If my wife and I can construct a head start on all of this by cultivating openness with our child, why wouldn’t we?
Bethany Frazier, a community advocate and owner of Maven Made, a local line of skin, body and fragrance products, lives on the city’s North Side with her wife, child and “too many” pets.
