Illustration by Chris Danger
There’s nothing quite like the magic of the holidays, full of twinkling lights and cozy, cinnamon-scented cheer, to bring out the absolute worst in children. We’ve had a rocky few years as new parents navigating the most wonderful time of the year. There were hysterics when it was our turn to meet Santa, tantrums at tree lightings and full-blown meltdowns at the fanciest hotels in town. However, five years into this experiment, I have started to get the hang of not only surviving the holiday season with kids, but even enjoying it. All you have to do is follow these rules.
1. Lie through your teeth.
Some say that it is unethical to lie to your children. Those people have clearly never had to stare down a screaming 2-year-old in the throes of a candy cane-fueled tantrum. My solution? Lie. “Drat, I would love to take you all inside to pick out more enormous, inflatable decorations for our yard, but Target is closed for construction, indefinitely it looks like.” “Can you believe the mall is only open for two hours every other day?” “Mommy is so sorry, but that hot chocolate for sale is very, very spicy.” “I would love to bake some Christmas cookies today, but the oven broke.”
The holiday season will be so much smoother if you put aside your moral qualms and take advantage of that lovely, brief phase in life when your kids are very, very gullible.
2. Santa, the world’s greatest threat
Santa is many things — a jolly, mythical creature who brings joy to millions of children around the world; a genius marketing tool used by corporations to sell millions of toys every year; and, most importantly, the world’s greatest parenting threat.
If your child is acting belligerently anytime after Oct. 1, the mere hint of possibly incurring Santa’s wrath is a powerful and swift remedy. I use it liberally and with relish. And while it may seem sinister to blackmail your children into good behavior by dangling Santa’s benevolence like a carrot, I personally think it really taps into the magic of the season. Because what could be more magical than a foolproof, ironclad way to make your children behave?
3. Let go of your expectations.
When it came time for my oldest to celebrate her first Christmas, I had a long, vastly unrealistic holiday season to-do list. I dragged my poor little 9-month-old to cut down a Christmas tree (she watched, blankly, from the carrier as my husband wrestled with the saw). I took her to see Santa, and she screamed, horrified that I would hand her over to a bearded stranger. I baked cookies while she did snow angels in the spilled flour and took her out in the freezing cold to see lights that she slept through, bundled up in a dozen layers in her stroller. I wanted the “perfect” pictures and “perfect” experiences, even if none of it was actually enjoyable or logical. As the years have gone on, and we have added two more children to our brood, I have finally come to the one realization that has liberated our holiday season and prevented an untold number of meltdowns.
Only do what’s fun. Do what your kids will enjoy, not what looks good in pictures. If your children are in diapers, it’s OK to get your tree from the lot on the corner instead of driving an hour to the country. It’s also OK to maybe skip Santa one year if your child is deeply frightened by white-haired men dressed in red velvet. Never take a 2-year-old ice skating, because they can barely walk on solid land as it is. And they don’t all have to wear matching clothes for every occasion. No child has ever been happy while wearing uncomfortable shoes or an itchy shirt.
It might not be perfect or look like what you envisioned back in those pre-child years. But if you lean into the messy and spontaneous and away from the impeccable and planned, you might actually have some truly magical, tantrum-free holiday moments with your kids.
Elizabeth Becker is a writer, a registered nurse and a mom of three.
