The following is an extended version of the column that appears in our April 2023 issue.
Illustration by Victoria Borges
In my favorite yoga class, the instructor starts by guiding us through a reflection: “How do I feel? What do I need?” Sometimes, the answers to these questions are “Not OK” and “I don’t know,” and that scares me.
If I’m not OK and I can’t even say what I need, what does that say about me? I worry, because my family’s had its share of mental health challenges, and I’ve had bouts with anxiety, so I know I need to take care of my mental health.
I’ve had moments — big and small — when I didn’t feel OK. I tend to express these feelings through writing. Sometimes people will respond, “You know, it’s OK to not be OK.” But is it?
Turns out, it is.
As Maryland-based Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor Hannah Rose writes in Psychology Today, recognizing and dealing with not being OK is normal and healthy.
“We must show up for all of our emotional experiences, no matter how painful they are, or they are destined to continue manifesting in our lives,” she writes, “We judge and shame ourselves more harshly than anyone else does for our emotional experiences.”
Indeed, my problem is that I worry about what others will think about me if I acknowledge that I’m not OK — and then I get even more anxious and stressed out than I already am. Three recent situations come to mind: the stress of a recent move, dealing with how COVID-19 impacted our businesses and working through the loss of family members. And while all of these experiences were stressful, moving was the only one where I felt like I didn’t have permission to feel the stress, which can show up in a number of scenarios, including the process of selling one home and buying another; the expense of moving and money management; and packing, throwing stuff away and right-sizing (argh!).
When our family went through this experience a couple of years ago during the first summer of COVID-19, I found the process overwhelming. The to-do list was too long. The decisions were too hard. The timeline was too demanding. And while moving can often be the result of reaching a goal, it may also involve lots of memories that trigger emotions, joyful and sad. In our case, moving represented progress, but it also reminded me of the times I had to move as a child. And those moves weren’t fun; they didn’t feel like progress, they felt more like crisis. I couldn’t always describe these emotions to other people, so when they’d ask how things were going, I’d smile and just say, “It’s moving along.” And I’d go back to grinning and bearing it. Sometimes I’d just go for a walk to get outside and breathe. We made dance videos with the kids, and I even occasionally sang a little hip-hopera. Even though I had no plan to navigate this stressful situation, I got through it; apparently I was adhering to a handful of best practices without even knowing it.
Mental Health America, an organization I became aware of after my sister died last year, offers great tips for staying mentally healthy, including animal companionship, laughing and having fun, staying connected to others socially, and engaging in spiritual practices based on one’s beliefs. They also offer advice on how to take care of ourselves when we’re going through tough times, including healthy living, seeing friends, doing something we enjoy and finding ways to relax.
To me, these ideas speak to the power of connection — with myself, with others and with nature — as a pathway to being OK, and better handling the times when I’m not OK.
One such experience can be found in beekeeping classes offered by educator and author Hollee Freeman. City Bees: An Apiary Adventure takes place at farms and other outdoor spaces throughout metro Richmond and offers a sanctuary that promotes connection and learning. With beekeeping, Freeman says, “You have to be aware of your breath, your mood, your energy. It forces you to go slow and be attentive to the bees and nature.”
What I learned from the stressful but rewarding move of 2020 was that I had to accept and face the situation that was stressing me. Denial and avoidance were my worst enemies. I didn’t do the best job of talking to others about my stress because I was afraid of their judgment, but when I did, I was able to process the situation better.
Each of us experiences times when we’re not OK, and we need to talk about it. We need to be honest with ourselves and others so we can work through them more effectively.
James Warren is the founder of research firm Share More Stories and vice president with brand strategy and consulting firm JMI.
