Illustration by Carson McNamara
In a recent long flight, my two teenage boys completely ignored me — hoodies up, headphones in, consumed by their screens. I reached over to pat my youngest son on the knee, and he quickly swatted my hand away.
Meanwhile, a few rows up, a baby slept on her mother’s shoulder. She was about a year old, with plump cheeks as rosy as the strawberries printed on her soft footed pajamas. I wished, just for a moment, to have a snuggly infant again.
But soon the baby woke up with a loud cry, which continued for most of our way home. Desperately trying to console their daughter, the parents took turns bouncing her while pacing up and down the aisle. Just as I was pining for the past, they were likely wishing to fast-forward to a time where their daughter could entertain herself.
Being around others in different parenting stages gives us the gift of perspective; we can better appreciate where we’ve been and more clearly understand where we’re going.
In my neighborhood, I’ve befriended a group of fellow dog owners who are a decade or two above me in age. With adult children in their 20s and 30s, they often impart wisdom and nuggets of truth when I share a particular challenge going on with my boys.
They remind me with humor that teenagers are infamously difficult — they bomb tests and trash their rooms; they go through breakups, get into car accidents and get into trouble. And despite all of these instances, their teenagers have grown into gainfully employed, responsible adults in healthy relationships.
“They won’t think you’re dumb forever,” Kevin says.
“When you’re going through hell, keep going,” Charlotte advises.
“Family vacations are so much more enjoyable now,” John reassures.
I try to offer the same support and encouragement to my friends with younger children. I promise that they’ll eventually sleep through the night again, that the terrible twos are just a phase and that kids wetting their pants in kindergarten is temporary.
My best friend has a 6-year-old daughter, and each time I’m with her little girl, I get to relive those precious childhood years. We color and play games, act silly, and cuddle up in matching pajamas, things my teenage boys are way too cool for.
I get so much out of my friendships with people of all ages and in different stages, and I’m not alone.
According to a 2019 survey by AARP, respondents with older or younger friends reported unique benefits their other friendships couldn’t give them: inspiration, a new perspective and a greater appreciation of their experiences. But despite the remarkable advantages, according to the survey, only 37% of adults are actually in a friendship with an age gap of at least 15 years.
We live in an age-segregated society, where our lifestyles tend to place us alongside people of our own generation. AARP suggests we work around those barriers by seeking friends of different ages and in all areas of social life.
Holly Whistler, an employee at the Virginia Community College System, recently started a working parents group. Colleagues with preschool to college-age kids participate in helpful discussions.
“Since we are a distributed workforce, traveling and working from across the state, the group has helped us get ideas about how to best parent wherever we are,” Whistler says. “It’s been a great way to meet one another and share ideas for achieving work-life balance.”
Online parenting groups are also effective in forming friendships across the age divide. Richmond resident Muffy Greenbaum started Mom Friends on Facebook as a way to connect with other moms. Their banner reads, “We gotta stick together. Moms who have been there, moms who are going through it now, and future moms who I hope never go through it but might: we need encouragement from one another.”
On the group page, mothers share everything from their favorite products and travel tips to words of encouragement and practical advice for getting through a bad day.
“There’s nothing worse than feeling alone in motherhood, so I wanted to create a space where moms can connect, feel supported, and be a little less vulnerable,” Greenbaum says.
Parenting is hard work, whether we’re trying to soothe a crying infant on a plane or decipher a teenager’s suddenly changed mood. But our various friendships enable us not only to share the burden but also to join in the celebrations, amplifying the joy of every milestone along the way.
Collectively, we understand that becoming a parent means joining a very special club with a lifelong membership. Supportive members are out there everywhere, of all ages and stages.
