Illustration by Wenjia Tang
I was 19 years old when I dealt with my first challenging parent. I was head coaching a competitive travel volleyball team and had decided to sit a player after she told me she was injured. That evening, I received a scathing email whose length would put Charles Dickens to shame. It was from the player’s mother: Why did I bench her daughter? How dare I? Did I even know what I was doing, or how much money they paid for her to play this sport?
Since that interaction, I’ve had the joy of teaching and coaching thousands of young people, from age 4 up to teenagers. I’ve been cursed out and questioned and called names (by parents and students alike). But I’ve also been affectionately or accidentally called “Mom” and invited to graduation parties and weddings of former students and players.
As a coach and teacher, I am in a unique position: I see sides of young people their parents may not always see. I also see the effects that parents and parenting styles have on their children, and boy, am I glad I taught and coached before having kids of my own. I’ve gained perspective and insight, and that in turn influences how I am parenting my two daughters.
1. I limit technology access and use.
I’ve been teaching teens since 2011, so I’ve seen the impact of technology on the everyday life of my high schoolers. Many of them have told me that they couldn’t live without their phones for a weekend, that they’ve had phones since elementary school, and that they are addicted to their phones. They also have “spam” social media accounts (yes, even many of the “good” kids; parents, if you don’t know the difference between “rinsta” and “finsta,” best get Googling). They are exposed to explicit and graphic material; they meet and chat with strangers online.
While it may be easy for me to hand my toddler a phone right now, I have seen firsthand the detrimental effects of technology overuse, overexposure and use without supervision. So, my husband and I try to not lean on technology as a parenting tool. The goal of parenting isn’t to have a well-behaved toddler or child, or to make sure they “keep up with” their peers and don’t feel “left out” because they’re the only one without a smartphone. The goal of parenting is to raise a well-adjusted, emotionally and physically healthy adult.
2. I am committed to teaching my kids to advocate for both themselves and others.
I recently heard the term “lawnmower” parents, because they mow down any obstacles in their kids’ paths in an attempt to protect their children from discomfort, natural consequences and the general unpleasantries that are part of life.
These are the parents who email me when a student fails a quiz and ask if they can retake it. Never mind the fact that the student didn’t study, rushed through the quiz or didn’t read the chapters the quiz was on. I know their intentions are good; they want their kids to be successful. I get it. But I am not going to raise self-assured, confident children if I am constantly intervening for them, advocating for them and speaking for them. Instead, I plan to teach my daughters to use their own voices. Because you know what? I’m not always going to be there to speak for them.
3. I will listen to and try not to judge my children.
A few years ago, a high school student approached me, shy and timid: “Mrs. Suders, did you wait until you were married to ... you know?” My eyes bugged. This girl and I didn’t share any sort of special bond and had never talked about anything other than classwork. “Hmm, that’s a pretty personal question,” I responded after taking a deep breath. “Can I ask why you’re thinking about this?”
“Oh,” she mumbled. “Well, I mean, I want to talk to my mom about it, but I know I’ll just get yelled at for even bringing it up, and so I don’t really know who else to talk to.”
My heart shattered. I went home that night and asked my husband, “What is the balance between teaching our children our values and expectations but also still keeping the lines of communication open?”
And to be honest, I don’t know the answer. But I do know that because of this interaction (and several others like it over the years), I strive to listen without judgment. We adults are so quick to throw advice at children, especially teenagers, and then wonder why they never tell us anything or why they sneak around. I wonder if learning to be reserved with our judgment and unsolicited advice may help keep them talking and us listening.
I don’t have this parenting gig figured out. None of us do. But I do know that I am thankful for the young people who have come into my life and served as practice sons and daughters to help prepare me for my own babies. I’ve learned more from them than they will ever know.
Christine Suders is a high school English teacher, writer and volleyball coach. She's married to her high school sweetheart and mom to a tenacious toddler and an infant.
