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Illustration by Rob Ullman
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Illustration by Rob Ullman
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Illustration by Rob Ullman
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Illustration by Rob Ullman
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Illustration by Rob Ullman
Hello, outsider or newcomer! We've invited you to this imaginary cocktail party so that you can get to know a lot more about our wonderful city. Be friendly, be polite and be yourself! Enjoy the hors d'oeuvres. But for the love of God, please don't be an idiot and say any of these things.
1. "Richmond. Is that in Virginia?"
If you ask this question, you are pushing a very sensitive button: the one that tells a Richmonder you do not understand our central role in the history of this country. And by God, you are going to learn it now, in 36 very uncomfortable minutes. Before you know it, names like Patrick Henry and Edgar Allan Poe will be whizzing by your head so fast you won't be able to interrupt to pretend you need to use the bathroom. George Washington and the Kanawha Canal, Thomas Jefferson and the Virginia Statute for Religious Freedom, Jackson Ward, blah blah blah. By the time your Richmond friend gets to the words Capital of the Confederacy, you should probably fake a seizure to get out of there. But you won't, you'll say something stupid like …
2. "But that's not really in the "South South," right?
There may be no other question that will cause a Richmonder to turn green and burst through his purple pants like this one. This is probably because, if we are being honest, Richmonders do feel a little left out of the cotillion when it comes to Southernness. We love our Southernness and feel it just as much as any Atlanta belle, but we also know that folks in Georgia and Alabama and Mississippi consider Virginia to be "up north." So when you ask this question, you might just start hearing a few more "y'alls" peppering the conversation as you hear about great granddaddy's plantation and how much we love NASCAR. Whatever you do, resist the urge to say …
3. "I don't get NASCAR. It's not even a real sport. I mean, anyone could just drive in circles with their foot on the gas."
"It's not a circle, it's an oval!" will be just the beginning of the diatribe. We don't expect you to absorb much after that, as your Richmond friend prattles on about physical demands and prowess, the reflexes, dexterity, strength and endurance necessary to keep one's foot on the gas. Then there is the teamwork aspect with the pit crew and the strategy and the … "How do I get myself out of this ring of hell?" you will be thinking, and with three glasses of wine and no food in you, since you can't get near the hors d'oeuvres, you will crack this lame joke:
4. "So I guess y'all are just a bunch of rednecks down there!"
Well, you've stepped in it now, haven't you? Here come the big guns, because our proud Richmonder is about to unleash statistics, articles, reviews and quotes. "Did you know that Frommer's listed Richmond as one of the top destinations in the world for 2014? In the world! And Richmond is in the top 20 most well-read cities, according to Amazon.com. We're the best river town, according to Outside magazine, and, and … we have hipsters! Loads of them! Skinny jeans and ironic mustaches everywhere!" I am going to give you a tip, my friend, for how to get out of this situation. Ask this next question loudly enough so that the whole room of Richmonders can hear it.
5. "So, what do you think about this new ballpark proposal?"
Just lob it in there like a Molotov cocktail and slowly … back … away.
