Photo via Getty Images
"Girls rule and boys drool.” I confess to saying this a time or two as a child. I made straight A’s, kept a ridiculously neat backpack and turned in assignments not just on time, but early. Meanwhile, I had no tolerance for the boys. Their behavior was disruptive, their homework was late, and their binders weren’t even organized by subject.
But now, as the mother of two adolescent boys, I’m much more sympathetic.
I’ve recently been following the work of Richard Reeves, an author and researcher who spoke at The Richmond Forum this spring. During his talk, he shared startling data showing how far boys have fallen behind girls in the classroom and beyond.
Generally speaking, girls have a much higher GPA than boys. Two out of three students in the top 10% of the class are female, while two out of three students in the bottom 10% of the class are male. Boys are being diagnosed with learning disabilities at five times the rate of girls. And in every U.S. state, girls are more likely to graduate from high school and receive a college degree. In fact, the gender gap today among college graduates is the same as it was in 1972, just in reverse. That’s a lot to take in.
During his time in Richmond, Reeves was careful not to downplay the challenges women still face, while explaining why boys need our attention, too.
“Gender equality is not a zero-sum game,” he said. In other words, daughters and sons need support and advocacy.
As for how boys ended up on the back foot, one case Reeves made was an unfair grading system in schools. Teachers tend to reward focus and organization, traits that come earlier and easier for girls. He said schools should rely less on homework and behavior-based grading and more on actual learning outcomes.
“Girls are not smarter than boys; boys are not smarter than girls,” he said, “but girls do develop that frontal cortex, which is the bit of your brain that turns in your chemistry homework, earlier than boys. It’s not his fault — he’s not defective in some way. There’s just a difference in maturity.”
Since his book “Of Boys and Men” was published in 2022, Reeves has brought these important issues to the national stage. But locally, some all-boys schools have been working toward innovative solutions for a long time.
“Some of the challenges Richard Reeves described are often tied to expectations placed on kids that have little to do with their academic or personal growth … and don’t align with how many boys learn best,” says Will Murphy, assistant head of school and a teacher at Seven Hills School, an all-boys middle school in Richmond.
Murphy says it’s important to keep boys engaged in meaningful and developmentally appropriate ways, from sports and outdoor play to hands-on experiences and real-world connections. The school employs a faculty that is 85% male, which Murphy says adds another important layer of connection. By comparison, just 23% of middle school teachers nationwide are male, according to the National Center for Education Statistics.
St. Christopher’s School founded The Center for the Study of Boys in 2014 to focus on best practices for educating and raising boys.
“We know that boys tend to fall behind girls in terms of the developmental trajectory and that many boys struggle with executive function,” says Kim Hudson, a school administrator and the center’s director. “It’s important to understand that their timeline is different. We should not demonize or pathologize that, but respect and honor that.”
Hudson says it’s also crucial to provide structure while holding boys accountable. She recommends that parents check their children’s school binders weekly, create visual reminders and set small, achievable goals for everything from cleaning their room to completing homework. She also notes that failures are just as much a part of their journey as success.
“When you swoop in to save the day, they aren’t going to learn the hard lessons they need,” she says.
Richard Reeves also spoke on the importance of fostering positive masculinity — in other words, helping boys connect to themselves and others and be comfortable with their authentic selves. That means sharing feelings and raw emotions that society oftentimes discourages.
Murphy says parents can provide support at home by keeping their relationships open and free of judgement and being patient for the ups and downs during this time of accelerated growth.
Hudson recommends checking in often with boys to see what they are thinking and feeling. “We tend to put boys in a corner and say they are a certain way, but it’s really important to understand that each boy as a human is unique and complex,” she says.
This is all good advice and wisdom I’ll carry with me into the school year. Richard Reeves has said that resilience is built through experience, not protection. I’ll give my boys the space to stumble, then address their setbacks from a place of love and understanding, and work to create a routine and small goals that can be accomplished on their own. As my friend Alison Martin says, “They’re half-baked cakes.” Our boys will get there. They’re just not quite done.
