Illustration by Victoria Borges
I struggled with an eating disorder that began in high school and continued well into adulthood. By the time I was in my early twenties, I considered myself “in recovery” thanks to several bouts of therapy, but I didn’t get serious about addressing the causes of my disorder until I had my daughter in 2017. I had to heal so I could be a role model. I knew I’d need to help her combat the barrage of toxic messages about food she would one day hear.
While on my healing journey, I learned about intuitive eating. Rachel Marsiglio, a registered dietitian, certified intuitive eating counselor, and founder of Nourish2FlourishRVA, a nutrition practice in Central Virginia, explains it as, “learning how to have a healthy relationship with food and body. It involves eating what your body truly wants and needs.” It’s not a diet or weight loss program, and contrasts with typical diet culture in focusing less on specific foods and more on changing relationships with eating.
At first, the concept terrified me. No more limiting myself to just one Girl Scout cookie? If my body wanted to devour an entire box of Thin Mints, I could? The lack of restriction made me anxious. After years of not listening to my body, I didn’t trust myself around certain foods.
I quickly learned that the restricting of foods often led to binging. Foods that are no longer forbidden are not as enticing. After I started practicing intuitive eating, I found myself reaching for a third or fourth cookie and thinking, “Does my body really want this?” The answer wasn’t always yes, and the urges diminished.
Learning about intuitive eating has empowered me to approach food without hangups. Now I can model and present this mindful approach to my daughters in a way that avoids reinforcing the unhealthy relationship with food that I experienced as a child and young adult.
“One of the best things parents can do to raise kids with a healthy relationship to food is to avoid creating diet culture rules. For example, saying things like ‘You can only eat this certain food once per week’ or ‘You can only have this drink when out to dinner’ are rooted in diet culture,” Marsiglio explains.
While these rules are often implemented by caregivers who want their children to think about what they eat, they can be detrimental to a child’s relationship with food.
Intuitive eating helped me knock sweet foods off their pedestals. Instead, I started serving dessert with my children’s meals rather than afterwards. I admit, I was skeptical at first — wouldn’t my girls just eat their dessert first and skip their entrees and vegetables? Sometimes, yes. But oftentimes, they eat other foods first, or they don’t even finish their dessert.
Marsiglio says parents should avoid labeling foods as “good” or “bad.” At mealtimes, parents should also strive to eat the same foods as their children. “For example, if a parent is following a diet and not eating starch with dinner, kids may start thinking they need to avoid starches, too,” she says. “Parents can teach their kids instead what nutrition does for their bodies: Starches provide carbohydrates, which are energy for your body.”
She recommends that parents introduce new foods to children without pressure or bribes. Marsiglio also says parents should provide a variety of food groups at each meal and allow children to determine what they eat and how much is eaten.
“It can take five to 10 exposures to a new food before a child is ready to chew and swallow it, so don’t rush. Put one or two small bites of new food onto their plate. Try to prepare new foods in different ways: hot, cold, prepared with different spices, served with different condiments,” Marsiglio says. “Let the child explore the food by touching it, smelling it or allowing it to touch their tongue to see what it feels like in their mouth.”
This advice can be hard to follow because it goes against norms. For example, several weeks ago, my 6-year-old daughter told her little sister that she had to take a “try-it bite” at dinner, before dismissing a vegetable that I’d served with dinner. I was flummoxed — we had never required our children to take one bite of every food on their plate, sometimes called a “polite bite,” “magic bite” or “try-it bite.” My 6-year-old learned this phrase at summer camp.
Children can pick up on small directions at the dinner table from a young age, which helps in the undertaking of unlearning and avoiding diet culture, but it’s crucial that it’s done with intention, Marsiglio adds.
Parents also need to be mindful of what they say regarding their bodies and eating habits. “Hearing parents say kind and compassionate things about their own bodies helps build children’s self-esteem,” Marsiglio says.
She recommends that people who struggle with their relationship to food seek help from a registered dietitian, preferably one who is trauma informed or a certified intuitive eating counselor. “In my experience, many people have struggled with food since their childhood or teenage years,” Marsiglio says. “There is a lot to uncouple and reorganize in the body and brain.”
