Illustration by Shannon Wright
Caring for a loved one who’s dealing with a serious or chronic medical issue can be a challenge for both partners. Even in the best relationships, stress, fear and frustration can exacerbate a difficult situation. My wife and I went through an experience like this, and it holds a few lessons for us — and you.
Out of respect for my wife’s privacy, I won’t say much – just that she was in constant pain, and she’s had several medical procedures over the past few years to try to resolve it. My wife is a strong person, but even she has her breaking point. For her, this came last fall as her pain intensified.
We have a large family, and like many couples, we both lead busy lives. While we sometimes have competing priorities and occasionally get stressed out, usually we’re able to work it out. But her pain started to affect her relationships, her work and her activities. I know she was frustrated with her condition and the feeling that she couldn’t do as much as she used to. I also felt frustrated by my own sense of helplessness, and also at my lack of understanding of what her pain was like. Our lives needed adjustments that we both failed to recognize.
We discussed this recently, and she shared with me her perspective on my support role during her medical journey.
Overall, my wife felt supported by me throughout most of the process: “I feel you helped me keep things in perspective and made me accountable for not doing too much when I was hurting,” she says. “You were very helpful these last two weeks before the procedure and during my recovery, and when I was having a lot of pain. … You did what you could to allow me to rest or take it easy.”
She also told me that there were areas where I could improve.
First, I learned that I was not doing enough in the day-to-day affairs around the house. “While you encouraged me to take it easy when I was in more pain on certain days, it would have been helpful to get more assistance around the house,” she says. “I realize I also need to ask for help more often. I’m not saying you haven’t or don’t help, I’m talking about on a more consistent basis.”
Second, I learned that I needed to relate more to what she was going through emotionally. “When I told you that I was getting anxious thinking about the surgery and the worst-case scenario, you couldn’t relate,” she says. “That didn’t frustrate me too much, but it would have been nice to have you understand that emotional part of me just a bit more.”
Clearly, there are a few things that I — and we — could’ve done differently. So my wife and I put together three lessons we learned, with suggestions for how you can handle things better than we did if you find yourself in a similar situation.
1. Lesson Learned: It’s crucial to stay emotionally connected. Perhaps if I had shared my feelings of helplessness, my wife might have felt better understood and related to, especially when she needed it the most.
Suggestion: Find a regular time at least once a week to check in with each other and talk through how each of you is feeling. As the supporting partner, understand you can’t fix everything, and that’s OK. Just remember that you’re facing this challenge together.
2. Lesson Learned: Communication is key. My wife agrees that while we all want a partner who usually anticipates what we need, it’s still important for her to tell me what’s working for her and what’s not. One of the ways she can minimize frustration and avoid resentment is to communicate what she needs without feeling guilt.
Suggestion: If you’re the supporting partner, find out what your partner needs from you, and focus on doing that. Also, if your partner tends to want to “do it all,” take notice of that and get those things done before they even have a chance to, so they stay focused on their health. Also realize the importance of your partner’s support system (apart from you), and make sure they are relying on those other sources of support as well.
Find out what your partner needs from you, and focus on doing that.
3. Lesson Learned: As the supporting partner, it’s really crucial to focus on taking care of the house. We used to have a more balanced split of the chores, but over time I’ve let my work get in the way (or be an excuse) for doing less. I should have prioritized doing more, and I’ve already started changing that.
Suggestion: Do a quick audit of the division of labor in your home. If it’s out of whack now, it’ll only get worse when facing a medical situation. Talk about who’s doing what at home, as well as your other responsibilities. And then make the necessary changes to balance things out.
Here’s the good news: My wife’s latest procedure went well, and the prognosis is encouraging. We’re both hopeful that the pain will go away. And if you ever face a similar challenge, hopefully our experiences will help you get through it a little easier.
