Illustration by Karly Andersen
At some point in life, each of us will have the best of intentions but not follow through on something (New Year’s resolutions come to mind). That situation applied to me last year when I tried to implement a chore chart for my 4-year-old, Kat.
Growing up, my siblings and I were expected to do chores and to contribute to the household, but there was no chart involved, and there were certainly no stickers or rewards. So the idea of having a chart for my kids seemed unnecessary.
That changed last year, shortly after Kat had left preschool and began staying home with an au pair and with her then-1-year-old sister, Lily. For the first couple of months, it was the honeymoon phase: She adored Marina, the au pair, and did everything she asked, and she loved doting on Lily. If my husband or I couldn’t get Kat to comply, the au pair would ask, and magically, Kat would do it. It was wonderful.
But that phase wore off. Kat became less cooperative, and we realized she needed more structure. I scoured Instagram and Pinterest for ideas on routines, and I kept stumbling across adorable charts that contained not just chores but also tasks or behaviors that were expected daily. Some blogs suggested rewarding children for completing tasks with something like screen time or a toy; others didn’t. For example, one chart listed items such as “read a book for 20 minutes” and “move your body” and “go outside.”
My spine tingled: This was it. A chart. A colorful, cute chart with pictures and stickers. This would solve my parenting woes. This would bring harmony back to our now-chaotic home that was being run by a tyrannical 4-year-old in a unicorn dress.
Since my 4-year-old can’t read yet, pictures seemed like a good way to give her some agency and independence when it came to completing her tasks. I made a chart and printed it on purple paper. I included pictures of tasks: a bed for “make your bed” and a clip art of someone stretching for “move your body.” I created morning, afternoon and evening tasks, so that her day had structure and routine.
At first, I was home to implement the chart over a school break, and it worked. As a former classroom teacher, I am accustomed to creating routines and then sticking to them. I’m even accustomed to lots of pushback, so I didn’t budge when my daughter cried and threw a tantrum if she didn’t earn a sticker. At that time, I didn’t think a reward was necessary; earning the sticker was reward enough.
Then my school break ended, and the chart stopped working about a month later, because of a lack of follow-through on the part of us adults in the house. Something had to give.
The final straw was when Kat didn’t listen to the au pair and rode her bike into the street. We realized she needed more structure and immediately enrolled her in preschool, where she thrived under the guidance of her experienced teachers.
Despite her successful transition back into school, her behavior at home was still enough to make me question whether I was a fit parent. I put two and two together and realized she still needed structure at home, and I revamped her chart.
This time, I did three things differently, based on what I knew about our family and my daughter:
1. I let her check off her tasks with a marker when she completes them. Stickers were too cumbersome, and I would run out sometimes, or we would waste time arguing about which sticker she wanted to put on her chart. So the second time around, I decided to just let her check off her own boxes. I don’t have to buy tons of stickers, and she feels powerful and important making check marks on her chart.
2. I split the tasks into “before school” and “after school” duties. I added tasks that she was struggling with, like putting on shoes and socks without pushback or making her bed or remembering to put her plate in the sink after breakfast. Designating tasks as “morning” or “afternoon” keeps our time focused and our priorities on what needs to be done right then.
3. I tied a reward to her check marks. She cannot earn iPad time to play Starfall or watch “Ada Twist, Scientist” if she doesn’t get all her check marks. At first, there were a few days when she didn’t earn screen time, and they were hellish evenings, but we held our ground, and she learned we meant business, and now the reward is working for her.
I suppose our chart journey working so beautifully means that by the time you are reading this, we will have encountered a hiccup and had to pivot yet again. But instead of seeing that as a failure, like I did with the original purple routine chart, I now see it as parenting: adapting to the needs of my child.
Christine Suders is the mom of two young children.
