Illustration by Carson McNamara
Each year on the first day of school, I send my boys to the bus stop, return to a gloriously empty house and blast Martina McBride’s “Independence Day.” After a summer working from home with noisy boys tramping through the house, I’m ready for a little freedom. As a mother, I’m in a constant state of contradictory emotions. I’m sad summer is ending, yet eager for structured days. I love my children more than anything in the world, yet no one drives me crazier.
To avoid burnout and fatigue, we parents need a break. And parents managing more difficult circumstances, such as children with special needs or challenging teenagers, may need more breaks. A night out can be just the cure.
Richmond salon owner Monique Brown reminds clients that self-care goes beyond getting a good haircut. “When you want to look and feel your best, go out with your girlfriends,” she says. A mother of two, Brown schedules timeouts when she needs to decompress.
“You had a life before kids, and I think it’s very important to maintain that,” Brown says. “My husband has a standing date with one of his buddies every Tuesday to watch sports, and he’s cool when I want time away with my girlfriends.”
The couple also plans date nights and the occasional overnight trip to focus on their relationship, giving their children quality time with their grandparents. “Spending this time separately is really healthy for everybody,” Brown says.
Personal chef Elizabeth Oliver is raising two girls and a puppy on her own. She says going out with her friends reminds her she’s a person first, then a mother. “As a single mom, I’m with my children all the time, and it’s important for not only me, but for my girls to see me go out and have a good time with other women,” Oliver says. “We go out dancing, meet at a rooftop bar or try a new restaurant — I’m obsessed with the food scene here. It takes effort to get everyone together, but [it’s] so worth it. It’s always a judgment-free zone.”
Dr. Katy Wilder Schaaf, a licensed clinical psychologist in Richmond, says taking time away from children is crucial for strong relationships and mental health. “Safeguarding time for ourselves and our partners is an important piece of maintaining connection to ourselves and others,” Schaaf says. “When we allow ourselves to have needs, and work to prioritize those needs, we model self-care to our children.”
Schaaf recommends creating a menu of fulfilling and enjoyable activities and carving out time for them each week, even when schedules are busy.
Safeguarding time for ourselves and our partners is an important piece of maintaining connection to ourselves and others.
—Dr. Katy Wilder Schaaf
Neil Gregory, a graphic designer and mother of two, loves planning creative date nights and fun outings with her husband and friends. “We like going to comedy shows at the Funny Bone, listening to live music, hiking along the flood wall or going to [the Virginia Museum of Fine Arts],” she says.
Gregory enjoys bringing people together from different facets of her life, blending childhood friends with colleagues, new neighbors, relatives and friends without children. “That way our conversation doesn’t automatically steer toward work or kids and we can just have a good time and get to know new people,” she says.
Schaaf says even small excursions can bring a sense of ease and well-being. Taking a walk with a neighbor or grabbing a cup of coffee with a friend can do wonders.
“As overstressed parents and partners, sometimes attending to ourselves and our relationship can feel like an overwhelming lift,” she says. “The challenge is finding the ways to engage in self-compassion and care.”
When my first son was born, my mom reminded me that self-care isn’t selfish. She gave the example that on an airplane, you have to take the oxygen mask first before helping others. Now, 14 years later, I still remember that advice. Despite our nature as mothers to put everyone else’s needs before our own, to be the most effective parent, we must take care of ourselves first. Sometimes it’s vital we stop and catch our breath.
Laura Anders Lee is a freelance writer and mother of two sons.
