Illustration by Ashleigh Webb
Building trust with a child is one thing. Building it with a teenager is another. And building it with a teenage stepdaughter is, well, semi-miraculous. Instead of hearing the how or why from me, though, take it from a teen on the scene, my eldest, Isabella, a just-turned-16-year-old high-schooler. As of this month, she’s a junior at Appomattox Regional Governor’s School in the literary arts program.
Here’s her take:
Parents want us teens to talk to them. A simple way to measure how much your teen trusts you is by how much they tell you. A basic level of trust can be seen when we tell you our crush or how poorly we did on that math test. We probably aren’t going to spill which stores sell to minors or what our weekend plans actually include while you’re in the Bahamas. (We both can have fun, right?) It is also unlikely we will tell you just how high that rock was we all jumped from into the Mighty James, but that’s less because we don’t trust you and more because we don’t want to worry you. There is a certain level of secrecy the teenage years are entitled to.
However, while you’re worried about our grades and our sexual activity, there is something even bigger that parents are not addressing and teens are not talking about: our mental health.
Mental health is the foundation of most teen problems. Many schools have adapted with such measures as open-door policies with guidance counselors or mandatory study halls that reduce daily anxiety. Still, the best cure remains a talk with dear Mom and Pop.
If you want to elicit an answer beyond the generic “fine,” make it a practice to ask specific questions about our day.
Haven’t had that conversation yet?
Maybe the topic just hasn’t come up.
Or maybe your teen is reluctant to initiate the talk because they feel their feelings get brushed aside, or they aren’t ready to have someone think they can fix it. Or, worse, your teen thinks that dark thoughts are the norm, and so there’s nothing new to talk about.
Whether the melancholy is hormonal, or due to a breakup, the feeling is equally valid. A lot of teens shy away from telling parents how they feel, because of how quickly their feelings are ruled invalid. Opening up is hard to do at any age, but especially when you’re a teen: Friends are changing, school work is demanding, and one day you feel at the top of the world and next thing you just want to sleep for seven days.
If your teen starts to open up, don’t shut it down with: “I think everyone feels that way,” “Maybe you should’ve thought of that sooner,” or “Are you PMS-ing?”
Treatment for mental health is difficult because the teen has to want to feel better. You have to do it for yourself. If your teen feels that as soon as they tell you they are sad that you are going to check on them every 20 minutes or take them to the therapist, then they may be hesitant. Your intentions are good, but sometimes you just need to be a good listener, a trustworthy confidant. Sometimes it helps just to let your teen vent.
Everyone is anxious when it comes to a test, and homework overwhelms all high-schoolers. Being stressed out has become such a social norm that limits have broken and become foreign. Playing hooky is more stress than fun. Having fun brings feelings of guilt over not being productive.
We may not even realize we are overwhelmed. This is the mindset that builds bad habits, stressing and then partying all weekend to get over the nerves. And repeat. In May, for example, I had standardized testing, final projects and springtime social events. I was getting less than my usual seven hours of sleep, so I started eating sugar to stay awake and finish my projects. This is not a sustainable lifestyle. I was moody, tired and felt sick. It wasn’t until I fessed up to Mom that things became easier. She helped me reach a solution I didn’t realize was an option: Just don’t do all of it.
So many parents worry about problems around sex, drugs, grades and alcohol, instead of focusing on their root causes: depression and anxiety. In fact, if you see a drop in grades and an increase in missing liquor, the underlying issue is likely mental health. If you want to elicit an answer beyond the generic “fine,” make it a practice to ask specific questions about our day: “How was that fifth-block history test?” “What did you do during lunch?” “Is so-and-so still upset about that break up?”
Create a space that is safe and understanding. Don’t punish honesty. Introduce coping mechanisms, take teens on that morning jog, have them write that feeling in a journal, or watch a funny movie together.
Stronger mental health leads to smarter decisions. If we trust you to talk about our mental health, we are more likely to tell you about our grades, who we made out with at the movies and who drank too much at the party. We are telling you because we trust you to know what is genuinely concerning versus what are just the sucky parts of teen life.