Illustration by Chris Danger
Anyone who has had a child can attest that it is one of the most dramatic and permanent life changes a human can experience. Anyone who has had two children will likely say the same, albeit with a few more dark circles and gray hairs than their counterpart with one child.
Now, any fool who has willingly procreated three times will simply stare at you in a bleary fog of exhaustion if you ask for such life wisdom. Parents of three small kids don’t have the time to be sage truth-tellers. They are knee-deep in their own personal game of “Survivor,” only with a lot more crying and nudity, minus the million-dollar prize at the end of the ordeal.
As one of those happy if sleep-deprived fools, I can attest that a third child changes everything, because for the first time in this journey called parenting, my husband and I are officially outnumbered. There is no even division of duties. If all three children were to take off in opposite directions (a likely scenario), we can no longer stay on their heels like their own personal bodyguards. We must chase the two fastest and simply hope the third is scrappy enough to fend for herself.
In all seriousness, life with three kids is rewarding and challenging. However, there are some tried and true ways to tip the scales somewhat back in the direction of the outnumbered parties.
1. Whenever possible, wear the smallest one.
As a third child who now has three children of her own, I can say with some authority that No. 3 is often forgotten in the shuffle. Don’t feel guilty about it. Embrace it. Throw that kid in a carrier or sling and go about life as usual. You’ll have your hands free to deal with the two older kids, and you might even be able to get some things done around the house or eat a meal occasionally. Think of that third baby as an adorable, smelly little fanny pack.
2. Buy a minivan.
We’ve all cracked jokes about minivans. We’ve all sworn it would never be us. And then we’ve attempted to transfer two or more small children in and out of a non-minivan vehicle and realized what fools we were. As a parent of three, some days ALL you do is chuck kids in and out of car seats. Minivans were made for this. It is literally their purpose on this earth. And suddenly all of those once-dorky features — sliding second rows, automatic doors, rear entertainment centers, stow-and-go seating — become the stuff of illicit parent fantasies.
3. Prepare to break every rule.
With one or two kids, it’s easy to be sanctimonious about parenting. Those are the halcyon days of screen-free children, of nutritious meals served nightly at the dinner table, of educational outings to art museums. When you’re outnumbered, polite rules of society quickly break down, and life gets a lot less “Downton Abbey” and a little more “Lord of the Flies.” It’s all about survival, and sometimes that means throwing a cheese stick and a pack of crackers at your naked child while they binge-watch “Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood.”
4. No free-range parenting.
It’s nice in theory to let your kids have room and freedom to explore the world. And with one or two kids, this might be possible. But once those kids start piling up, it is all about barriers. Fences, baby gates, child locks, playpens, moats if possible. As a parent of three, I will do literally anything and everything to contain my children to a small geographical area. And yes, that includes a child leash. I am officially my younger self’s worst nightmare.
5. Know your limitations.
When we had one baby, we used to take her out to trendy breweries in the city, sometimes even to a nicer restaurant when she would nap in her carrier. Once we had two children, we would occasionally venture out to family-friendly restaurants that were still relatively hip, or to a fun festival or a farmers market. And then we had three children. Before the pandemic necessitated social distancing and limited business operations, family night out had become a visit to a fast food restaurant with a table beside the indoor jungle gym. Even after the pandemic restrictions relax, we probably won’t go out to a real restaurant again for a decade or so.
In the end, I wouldn’t trade life with three kids for anything in the world. It’s hard, but it’s also wonderful. One day, I know my husband and I will be somewhat more in control, even if outnumbered. For now, we’ll simply accept our limitations, improvise on the fly and lean into that minivan lifestyle.
A Final Note
This column was written well before the COVID-19 pandemic effectively shut down our country, leaving parents faced with unprecedented challenges. The humorous struggles of parenting three small kids in a world with preschool, playgrounds and social interaction now seems like a remnant of a different age. However, life, as always, goes on. As parents, whether to one child or to many, we do what we always do, and hope for the best.
Elizabeth Becker is a writer, registered nurse and mom of three. Read more about her life and other parenting epiphanies at lifeinacoffeespoon.com.
