Illustration by Doug Fuchs
YouTube. Fortnite. TikTok. Snapchat. Technology is everywhere, and my two boys want it all. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed and way behind the times. I was born in the 1980s, after all.
For my son’s 13th birthday, we gave him a data plan for an old iPhone 8. We don’t have a home phone, and he wants to talk to friends and be included in group chats. We like staying connected throughout the day and knowing where he is, a luxury our parents didn’t have. But giving a brand-new teenager access to the entire world in the palm of his hand feels a lot like Pandora’s box.
As parents, we want to protect our kids — from online strangers and bullies to violent video games and negative body image. They could stumble upon offensive material they’ll never unsee or have one moment of bad behavior recorded, uploaded and immortalized.
My friends and I may have different rules for technology, but we share a common emotion of fear. Twentieth-century fantasy writer H.P. Lovecraft said the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown. When it comes to technology, there’s just so much I don’t know.
“Even if you’re not a tech person, you’ve got to get exposure to it,” says Jen Finn, CEO and co-founder of HIO, a startup AI company in Richmond. “Technology is going to be out there regardless. You have to teach your kids how to navigate it. Technology can be really scary, but also really great.”
In the 1980s, Finn started coding in the sixth grade on an early model Apple. Today, she loves watching her 10-year-old twin boys learn to code from YouTube videos and test their skills behind the scenes in Minecraft. While YouTube provides helpful tutorials and educational videos, Finn warns some content can quickly become extreme and harmful.
“The algorithms on YouTube and TikTok are designed to expose you deeper and deeper into certain interests and amp up your emotions — it doesn’t give other narratives,” she says. “If you want to see what your children are interested in, just watch what comes up next in their feed.”
Finn says her eighth grade daughter enjoys Snapchat as a way to connect with friends, but they’ve dealt with mean comments and fake material expertly disguised as real. She also warns that while Snapchat messages disappear after 24 hours, anyone can take a screenshot to preserve the content forever.
“Before my daughter gets a new app, I download it first to see how it works,” Finn says. “I saw immediately how Snapchat can become addictive, giving you streaks for using the app so you’re getting rewarded the more you use it.”
Video games can also be addictive. Both my 10- and 13-year-old sons love Fortnite, especially playing virtually with friends, but they can have trouble turning it off. Catherine Graves, a guidance counselor at St. Christopher’s School, has been advising parents on the popular game since it came out.
“Fortnite cannot be paused, so instead of a time limit, tell them the number of battles they can play,” she says. “Video games can be overstimulating and change the wiring of their brain, as well as their mood. It might be loud, but have kids play in common areas like the living room so parents have a better idea of what’s going on.”
Graves says that while technology can be a fun and effective way for kids to connect, you can’t beat good old-fashioned face-to-face time.
“Schedule time together, have screen-free dinners and read an actual book,” she says. “Model the behavior you want your kids to emulate. If you keep reaching for your phone or device, you’re telling them it’s OK.”
Families might consider attending an internet safety class offered by local schools or law enforcement or programs held at community centers like the Weinstein JCC. Graves says Common Sense Media is a helpful tool for getting advice from other parents as well as kids on what movies, podcasts, video games and apps are appropriate for different age groups. The nonprofit also provides how-to guides for setting parental controls and monitoring screen time, location and online behavior through apps like Life360, Gryphon, Bark and Circle.
But Finn warns that monitoring services aren’t foolproof. “With a lot of new content coming out, not everything can be filtered,” she says. “And just like we found ways to get around our parents’ rules, so will kids today.”
While technology is still relatively new, parenting is as old as time. By teaching our children, having open conversations and helping them through mistakes, we can successfully prepare them for the world — and the World Wide Web.
A freelance writer and mother of two, Laura Anders Lee has a love-hate relationship with technology.
