Illustration by Christiana Sandoval Woodard
Boys are supposed to hold doors open for girls, right?”
While our 3-year-old, firstborn son propped our front storm door wide and looked up at us waiting for our answer, we looked at each other. Where did David learn that? We’d schooled him on good manners — saying please and thank you, covering his mouth when coughing or sneezing, sharing and taking turns — but gender-specific normative social behavior hadn’t come up yet in our homegrown curriculum. We were running late, so we walked through the door, mom first, and thanked Dave for holding it.
“There are a lot of things boys are supposed to do,” Jamaal told him, and we said we’d talk about it more later.
It was a small moment in our daily routine, but it made us think about the big picture, long-lasting messages we wanted to send to David and our youngest son, 1-year-old Darius, about conducting themselves as lads and eventually, men. We realized that we’re each responsible for aspects of these lessons.
Dad Says
It was an uncomfortable lesson, as a parent, when we started hearing David detail how “only boys can ... “ do anything at his age. Our abbreviated guessing game after he says these things — “Where would he even hear that?” or “Who do we even know who talks like that?” — only reminds us that kids are learning gender roles and gender stereotypes all the time, without our knowledge or intent. There is more gender role instruction in a simple, childish game of “house” than in any daily parental example.
My wife and I are a team. Our alignment has to be intentional and zealous, while accepting social wild cards we couldn’t (and didn’t realize it was time to) expect. We both corrected David when he informed us that “only boys drive race cars” while watching his favorite movie, “Cars.” We work constantly to show him that men and women are equal — different, but equal.
There are also lessons about character I am slowly imparting to my boys. That women — all people — should be valued for who they are on the inside, not what they look like. That every person has the right to their own body, and “no” always means “no.” That a man stands by his word. At the center of these lessons is integrity, which we’ll keep teaching to our boys — and maybe in the future, our girl(s).
There is more gender role instruction in a simple, childish game of “house” than in any daily parental example.
Mom Says
Mothers are the first example of a woman that their children witness. I am intentional about how I present myself to my boys; I’m their mommy, but my identity includes facets other than maternity. They see me cooking and cleaning, but also reading and writing. I take time to explain my career to them, and what it means when I say, “Mom is working now.” I can be silly or serious with them, and I demonstrate how they can use their voices for good by using my own. My goal is to show my boys that women, like men, are complex individuals with unique identities, talents, ambitions and dreams. I hope they learn from watching me that a woman can be a writer or a doctor, a scientist, a farmer. As David and Darius grow up, it won’t seem strange to them to see women pursuing their goals in whatever way they desire. Hopefully, they will learn that women can, of course, do anything, including holding open their own doors.
Jamaal and I also realize that our relationship models to our sons healthy, respectful interaction between men and women. When they see me asserting myself inside our home, they will expect to encounter assertive women outside our home. They see their dad talking with me, instead of at me, without patronizing me; maybe this will prevent them from “mansplaining” years down the road. Hopefully, when dad holds doors open for mom, they’ll understand it’s not because “it’s what boys do,” but because he respects her.
Boys Need Villages
We were both raised in tight-knit African-American families, each headed by two parents: a mother and a father. Since starting our own family, we’ve heard two adages repeatedly. The first is that there are parts of being a man that a boy can only learn from his father. The second saying, that it takes a village to raise a child, connects to the first in a way that we believe is critical to a progressive, healthy society: Boys need villages to learn how to be men. Boys need their fathers, yes; but they also need their mothers and siblings and grandparents and extended kin and neighbors and friends to shape them into not only good men, but good human beings.
Jamaal and Samantha Willis met as teens in their high school’s cafeteria, and this month they celebrate their 10th year of marriage. Proud parents to David, 3, and Darius, 1, the Willises enjoy time with family and friends, the arts, and travel.
