Illustration by Christiana Sandoval
Some days, our 2-year-old son, David, bubbles with enthusiasm when you ask him about his soon-to-be-born brother. He makes a game of poking my navel and shouting, “Hi!” at my belly. Last week, he asked when baby brother was “coming here,” because he wanted to see him. Other days, ask Davey if he’s excited about the new baby, and he’ll shake his head to correct you. “I’M baby,” he says, and he might even toss in a few fake infant squalls to prove his claim, or ask for a ba-ba. Our home is an interesting place these days.
The transition from only child to older sibling is not easy. Your precious tot has enjoyed undivided attention for all the short years of his or her life; they wonder, who is this tiny interloper knocking at the door of Mommy’s tummy? I have to share Mommy and Daddy now? It’s understandable that your solo kid might take a while to tune up to the sibling duet. It takes parental patience plus compassion to navigate the journey of an expanding family.
Internet advice on making the leap to multi-kid parenting is endless. Expect regression and crankiness as your older child comes to terms with a baby in the house, warn sites like What to Expect and BabyCenter. Some mom bloggers advise giving your firstborn a doll in the months leading up to your second child’s birth, to get them familiar with the concept of a new baby. I knew this tactic probably wouldn’t work when our boy brought us his beloved doll-sized Spider-Man figure, cradled in his little arms. Davey said, “Aww, baby! Look at the baby!” with mock affection; not even 30 seconds later, he flung Spider-Man to the floor, distracted, and made a beeline for his scooter.
I turned to the sage of my life, my mom, to learn what worked for her and my dad when they introduced my little sister into our family when I was 2 years, 11 months old. She had her own doll stories to share.
“The main challenge was to get you to see that your baby sister was a real person, and not a doll baby. You would pick up the baby and carry her around the house without saying a word, which made us so nervous.”
A mere day after coming home from the hospital, Mom was taking a bathroom break when she heard me call out, “I’m bringing you your baby!” I teetered upstairs with my sleeping newborn sis, Jessica, in my arms, 15 steep steps at my back. Mom says, “I was horrified, but stuck on the toilet. You can’t just get up and run after giving birth, you know. All I could do was call for your dad.” The next day, Mom was putting clothes in the dryer when she turned around and there I was — again — toting the baby, having stealthily scooped her from her bassinet.
That lovely story solidified our decision to stay away from the doll method; it either won’t work, or, perhaps worse, it’ll work too well. A friend says that from the moment she told her 4-year-old son she was pregnant with his baby sister, he vowed to toss her in the trash. He didn’t, thank goodness, but I was left wondering, what actually works to pave the way for baby No. 2?
“Your goal is to make big brother or big sister your special helper when it comes to the new baby,” says Janet Burke, child development services director at ChildSavers in Richmond. “Get the older child as involved as possible: You can have them pass you the baby wipes when you’re changing diapers, or create a special corner in the baby’s room where the older sibling can sit and look at books with the baby under your supervision,” says Burke, who is also a mother of two. She also suggests taking classes offered at nearby hospitals to help prepare big siblings; for instance, Bon Secours’ Love and Learn series offers a Little Siblings class ($10) that’s designed to help 2- to 3-year-olds get ready for their newest family member. Books such as “The Big Sibling Book” by Amy Krouse Rosenthal (2009) are also a great way to introduce kids to the idea of a new little one, Burke says.
The one piece of advice my mom, friends and Burke all repeated: Make sure your firstborn knows how important they still are in your life, and make every effort to spend one-on-one time with your big kid after baby’s arrival. “There wasn’t a day that went by when we didn’t tell you how much we loved you, and what a great big sister you were,” Mom says. “It helped get our new family rhythm off to the right start.”
Will Davey treat us to attention-seeking tantrums? Probably. Will we age in dog years in the span of months as we shepherd our sons through the early stages of their brotherhood? God, I hope not. But our family will weather the challenges of a new baby and revel in the joy of the new life we’ve helped bring into the world. As long as we keep him away from dolls, I’m sure Davey will be an awesome big brother.
Samantha Willis is a freelance writer and married soon-to-be mom of two. She has contributed family advice columns to RichmondMom.com, and is a frequent contributor to local publications like Richmond magazine, Style Weekly and the Richmond Times-Dispatch.
