Illustration by Victoria Borges
When Joanna Mattaliano and Jack Hippchen first met with their wedding officiant, one of the first topics they discussed was what they wanted their wedding to look like. “He gave us options of prewritten vows or for us to write our own,” Mattaliano says. “We decided we wanted something a little more personal, something we could look back on and remember.”
Mattaliano and Hippchen aren’t alone.
While there’s no way to count how many weddings include couple-written vows, they are becoming increasingly common, even in traditional religious ceremonies, as a way to personalize the day.
Hollie Woodruff, who is pastor of Seventh Street Christian Church and also performs weddings beyond her church affiliation, says at least 60% of the couples who hire her want to include their own vows.
“A lot of it has to do with the traditions the couples come from,” she says. “If they’re Christian and grew up in a more formal denomination, maybe they’re used to those vows being chosen for them. Many people today consider themselves spiritual but not religious. They still want a religious ceremony, but they don’t feel as tied, perhaps, to what’s been done [before].”
Pop culture, Woodruff says, also plays a part.
“A couple’s only experience with seeing a wedding might be from a movie,” she says, noting that this can lead to confusion. “The statement of intent is the ‘I do’ moment. Often, for time’s sake, that’s omitted” in a TV show or movie. Her couples, she says, are looking for a full experience.
“There’s a reason they have asked me … or an ordained person to [conduct the ceremony] versus going to the clerk’s office,” she says. “I always tell couples: Writing your own vows isn’t right or wrong; there’s no judgment.”
Officiant Donnie Newton says his approach is to meet couples where they are.
“I’m a Christian and have a strong Christian faith, but I am not in any way qualified to counsel people in getting married,” he says. “I do religious ceremonies, and I love doing that. Some people just want the basics.”
When it comes to couples writing the vows themselves, Newton says his message is clear: “If [a couple] wants to write their vows or words to say to one another, then great. It’s your ceremony, your marriage. As long as you answer these questions, which I feel obligated by law to have you answer, unless it’s ugly, you can say what you want to say.”
Newton recalls working with one couple for two years before they reached the altar. “In the beginning, I thought, ‘This is not going to be fun,’ but it turned out to be one of the best weddings I’ve participated in,” he says, adding that brides typically have their vows written down, while grooms will more often speak without notes. “It’s their moment. Hopefully they’re going to make a memory of it.”
“You get to take that time and that moment to claim out loud what your union is going to look like and feel like on a day-to-day [basis].” —Hamilton Sage
Lucy Gordon Smith and Bryan Carter are writing the vows for their wedding, set for July 2022 at Thatch Winery, south of Charlottesville.
“Bryan and I will have been together six years by the time we get married,” Smith says. “There’s so much we’ve accomplished and will accomplish as a married couple that it’s important to reflect that in what we say and what we promise each other.”
Smith, a self-described Type A planner, has already started to gather ideas and notes for what she’ll say. She expects Carter might not start in earnest until a month or so before the wedding, but they will confer in advance, she says.
“We will have to make sure if one of us is comedic, the other one is, too,” she says. “We’ll want to strike the same tone.”
Neither Mattaliano nor Hippchen heard the vows each had written for their wedding day until they were spoken at the altar.
“We both wrote our own and didn’t share, but when we read them to each other, they were very similar,” Mattaliano says. “I [had been] worried, what if his is really long and detailed and mine is not? But they matched perfectly.”
Tone and language are important, says local officiant Julie Dotson, who provides her couples with a questionnaire to start the process.
“We do have to make sure we use the right words,” she says. “We find sometimes we have to change words, because we know [marriage] isn’t perfect. Even saying ‘I love you with all of myself’ isn’t right. There’s no perfect beginning and no perfect ending. We have to acknowledge things will get rough, and we’ll find a way to get through that.”
Dotson says she encourages couples to use nicknames or pet names for one another in their vows, and she doesn’t have them rehearse. “This is not an act,” she says. “We want to make sure to use their legal names [in the ceremony], but at some point in time, if it’s something the couple is used to, or how they know one another, they can call one another pet names. It’s a moment where they can be relaxed.”
Hamilton Sage, who married Ingrid Alli in June 2017, says the inclusion of personal vows and poetry was a no-brainer for the couple, who perform together as Twin Soul Poets.
“I just sat down and felt into my heart space,” he says. “It feels really intimate when you share in that way, not worrying about what other people are going to think or [trying to] make it feel like a performance. It should feel like you’re speaking directly to your partner.”
Sage says couples should embrace the authority of the spoken word. “You get to take that time and that moment to claim out loud what your union is going to look like and feel like on a day-to-day [basis],” he says, adding that people often think in the negative — about what they don’t want. “It’s important to focus on what you do want, [because] focusing on the affirmative is powerful.”
Woodruff agrees.
“I really stress that what you’re entering into is a covenant that is nearly impossible to keep,” she says. “What are you going to do to help extend those chances? This is a vow not only to the other person, but also to yourself.”
Photo courtesy Kristina Hamlett
What I Love About You
Kristina Hamlett’s book helps couples find their words
Local author Kristina Hamlett was inspired to create “What I Love About You: A Guided Journal to Writing Your Proposal and Vows” after she attended multiple friends’ weddings in close succession.
“I found myself sitting in the church pew or courtyard, thinking, ‘I wish I could hear more of their story,’ ” she says. “The officiants’ words were nice, but there’s something about hearing their story in their words that would have, in my mind, elevated the experience, allowed us to see the special, heartfelt sentiment.”
Hamlett’s e-book allows couples to print individual pages, so each can recall and reflect on their first meeting, early courtship and when they knew the other was “the one.”
“The origin story can inform the vows,” she says, noting that wedding guests aren’t interested in awkward details, rambling stories or cliches.
“People may not remember everything you say, just a word or two,” she says. “But this is almost a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be as big as you like, to profess your love as loudly and passionately as you want. It’s your chance to center your love and commitment in that moment.”
Hamlett’s book, “What I Love About You: A Guided Journal to Writing Your Proposal and Vows,” is available as a $10 digital download on Etsy.
