The media often portrays a very specific image of marriage: a young couple falling in love and starting their lives together for the first time. In truth, the reality is often quite different. Some enter a marriage with children, ex-spouses or independently established lives. These circumstances require additional consideration when embarking on a new partnership, but they also give way to beautifully unique love stories.
For Mechanicsville couple John and Amber Sheridan, online dating brought them together despite already knowing each other in person, and they married on March 14, 2021. John came into the relationship with his 7-year-old daughter, Lexi, and Amber had her two sons, Evan, 16, and Owen, 12.
“It was a thought-out process,” Amber says. “We didn’t want to rush into anything, especially given the ages of all the different kids.”
With adult children, such as in the case of North Chesterfield residents Cynthia and David King, creating a new family can be difficult following an extended passage of time. After they were introduced to one another through a mutual neighbor, they dated for eight years prior to their April 17, 2021, wedding. Like the Sheridans, they took their time blending their families. Cynthia and David each have an adult daughter, Tiffany and Keisha, respectively, each of whom felt protective of their parent, presenting a bit of an obstacle to overcome.
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North Chesterfield residents David and Cynthia King were married April 17, 2021. Each coming into the marriage with their individual routines, they've learned to take one another into consideration.
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For David and Cynthia, building the foundation of their romance on friendship has helped as they've merged their families. “The friendship truncated the romance, and in times of family drama, you needed a friend rather than a lover at that time,” David says.
“Bringing David into the mix was a little challenging because [my daughter] was just used to me,” Cynthia says.
But in the end, with consideration of all parties involved in their union, David says they “worked through those hurdles and moved forward.” Cynthia adds that the girls were eventually accepting because the couple dated for so long before getting married.
Julie and Tony Atlas, also of North Chesterfield, are celebrating their 15th wedding anniversary this year, and with that milestone comes the knowledge of how to maintain a blended family after the “I do’s.” With their marriage came a new family dynamic in which Tony’s children, Corrine and Anthony, who are older, and Julie’s daughter, Lara, who’s younger, had to navigate life as a unit.
“Blending the family was a concern because you have the dynamic of ex-spouses, you’ve got the dynamic of the range in ages of the kids, and the overall dynamic of how everyone’s going to fit into the time frame,” Tony says.
Brian Mayer, a licensed clinical social worker and owner of Full Circle Coaching, often works with couples in the process of merging their two families. Most often his clients have been married and divorced previously, with one or both parties bringing their own children into the new blended family. Mayer acknowledges that parenting differences can be a huge stressor.
“Often, one person may have a more hands-off approach toward discipline, choosing to limit intervening,” Mayer says. “The other person may have a strict approach and choose to implement consequences anytime a rule is broken. Additionally, one partner may believe that biological children and stepchildren should be treated the same, while the other partner may believe the opposite.”
The Sheridans and Atlases both remedied this situation by taking collective ownership over all of the children in their new families.
“We decided all the kids are both of ours, and we’re not going to treat one better than the other,” says Julie, who also raised foster children whom she viewed as hers and Tony’s.
Amber agrees, saying that one of their biggest concerns was “making sure the kids all felt individual and loved” and that no one felt “forgotten in the shuffle.”
North Chesterfield residents Julie and Tony Atlas are celebrating their 15th wedding anniversary this year. Communication has been key for their blended family. “We had to relearn how to communicate effectively and make sure that we’re supporting each other how we need,” Julie says.
Household Mergers
In addition to combining their families, the couples had to navigate the challenge of physically combining their households into one. While the Kings and Atlases opted to live separately until their wedding, the Sheridans lived together for four months before getting married. All three couples experienced an adjustment period.
“Merging our stuff was interesting,” says Julie, who became an Army wife when she married Tony. “We had two complete households, and when we got married, we were moving from two different states. We drove to St. Louis, and [the movers transported both households’ possessions] to Kansas while we were getting married in California, so it was tricky navigating what stuff to keep.”
Ultimately, the couple chose to hold on to most of their belongings, to help furnish their homes as they transitioned from place to place during their many moves in the military. They also gifted any extra items to fellow military families.
Unlike Julie and Tony, who moved into a new home together, the Sheridans and Kings consolidated into a home already owned by one spouse. John and his daughter, Lexi, moved into Amber’s house because it had more room for everyone, but the family is in the process of building a new home in Ashland where they will all live together. Cynthia moved into David’s home because it was more recently renovated and was a better fit for their unified lifestyle.
The couples also had to discuss what their financial arrangements would look like. Everyone had become accustomed to managing and spending their own money, but they had to decide how this would potentially change when entering into a partnership.
After much consideration, the Sheridans decided to combine their finances.
“We had lengthy discussions about finances, but we did end up choosing to put everything in one spot, which is not where I started, but it makes logical sense,” Amber says. “It’s easier when you’re older to say this will totally work versus when I didn’t know what I was doing the first time [I was married].”
The Atlases as well chose to combine their finances while also maintaining some independence.
“We set up a joint checking account for the household and just divided and conquered whose check would cover what as far as living expenses,” Tony says. “Each one of us had some individual accounts that we kept.”
Something all three couples agree on, though, is the importance of having each partner share the expenses of their new lives together.
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Mechanicsville couple John and Amber Sheridan were wed on March 14, 2021. Merging their two families into one, including three children of different ages, they took their time before heading to the altar. “It was a thought-out process,” Amber says.
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When Amber and John merged their families, many things had to be addressed. Even when discussing finances, Amber ended up changing her opinion on how they should be handled. “It’s easier when you’re older to say, 'This will totally work,' versus when I didn’t know what I was doing the first time [I was married],” she says.
Blending the Families
Merging homes is much more than just combining material possessions. It’s also about combining personalities, schedules and emotional needs.
Cynthia is concerned about how David will adjust to sharing his house with her.
“I had my parents and my daughter with me — I was used to living with people,” she says. “Him, however, he’s been on his own for quite a while, so it’s going to be a challenge to have me living there.”
David understands her concern, saying he’s “an old dog who has gotten comfortable in his ways,” but he also acknowledges the importance of adapting. “When you’ve been on your own living an independent life, you don’t have to run anything past anyone, but now it’s more of an ‘us’-type thing. It’s a dual decision more than a single decision.”
Mayer often sees this same dynamic among the couples he works with.
“When households are merged, often one person may forget to consider the other person’s opinion,” he says. “Making decisions completely independently is something that each partner should no longer do. When blending a family, lots of opinions should be taken into consideration.”
Amber and John had to make adjustments to allow their two independent households to merge into one because they were two separate families with previously established daily routines. The couple had to decide what something as simple as eating dinner would look like for their new family unit.
Julie and Tony had to learn how to be a newly married couple in the military, while also unlearning some of their old ways.
“You bring bad habits into new marriages,” Julie says. “We had to relearn how to communicate effectively and make sure that we’re supporting each other how we need.”
Mayer agrees that open communication is the key to making these kinds of transitions as smooth as possible.
“Most couples don’t ask each other enough questions prior to the merging.” he says. "Often in romantic relationships, we usually just consider things like physical attraction, how our conversation flows and do we have common interests. Instead, we should ask questions about how we handle conflict, our view of money, roles in the household, parenting styles, how should we communicate with our ex-partners and many other areas.”
For the Atlases, the importance of communication in their family extends beyond just the two of them.
Julie says, “We’ve kept communication with all the other parents involved. I’m not the only one who communicates with my ex-husband. Tony will pick up the phone and talk to him. We decided to co-parent. It was a very conscious choice, but not one that comes easy.”
In addition to communication, Mayer suggests that couples work to keep an open mind when talking with their partner and remain flexible.
“Flexibility when communicating about differences is also key,” he says. “If both people can at least see a part of what the other person might be saying about an issue as reasonable, then they often can solve the problem much easier. When one or both parties are more rigid in their viewpoint, it can create stalemates.”
The Kings and Atlases have words of wisdom for couples embarking on a similar journey of merging their lives.
Cynthia and David recommend establishing a strong foundation of friendship before entering into a romance.
“The friendship truncated the romance, and in times of family drama, you needed a friend rather than a lover at that time,” David says. “You need someone to give you the support you needed, and [for me] it’s been an easy transition into marriage.”
Julie and Tony urge couples to have patience not only with one another, but with the time it takes to create a blended family.
“Be patient with the process,” Julie says. “Even though you might have ideas about things, try not to inflict your ideas on everybody else. Some things naturally evolve, and if you let them, it becomes a solid process rather than trying to take something artificial and make it fit.”
Mayer agrees that it can take time for individuals to feel comfortable in their new family dynamic, saying that some experts report it can take up to seven years. “Because of this, the best advice is one of patience and perseverance — patience when things aren’t going according to your plan and perseverance to keep trying to balance everyone’s needs and wants,” he says.
“In most relationships and family issues, there really is no right or wrong way to accomplish something,” Mayer adds, noting that what matters most is getting as close as possible to creating a win for all parties involved.
And those wins look different for everyone — just as all marriages do. Some couples enter a marriage as just two people, while others like the Sheridans, Kings and Atlases enter into a partnership with more than themselves to consider. This creates unique terrain to navigate that comes with its own obstacles, but as these couples have learned, it’s through communication and respect that you can create a smooth transition when building a new life together.
This Registers!
When merging two families into one house, it can be difficult to decide what items to put on a wedding registry, as chances are you or your partner already have items to outfit a home. Here are some things to consider adding to your gift list.
