Richmond's worst crimes never make the evening news. One reason is that news teams are too busy talking about high-school sports and dirty restaurant kitchens to care about real wickedness and malfeasance. The other reason is that most of these "offenses" are considered crimes only in the courtroom of my mind. But that doesn't make them any less heinous. That's why I'm swinging the mighty hammer of justice and doling out punishment where it has been long overdue.
The Crime: Killing ice hockey and filling the void with two indoor football teams.
Why It's Wrong: Everyone knows that ice hockey is a real sport and indoor football is just a way for college players to kill time while they wait for a callback from the NFL. We blew it with the Renegades, and now we have a two-headed, red-headed stepchild that nobody even asked for.
The Punishment: Responsible parties deserve box seats for both the Richmond Bandits and the Richmond Revolution. Preferably within punting range.
The Crime: The VUU mascot planted on Lombardy Avenue.
Why It's Wrong: It looks like a rabid mole rat buried waist-deep in mulch. Or a ferocious, oversize cat toy. It doesn't so much inspire school spirit as it triggers my fight-or-flight response. And it gives little kids nightmares.
The Punishment: School officials should be forced to remove the monstrosity or make upgrades that push it way beyond the limits of bad taste. (I'm thinking smoke from the nostrils and motion-activated panther growls.)
The Crime: The acceptance of burlesque as performance art.
Why It's Wrong: If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck and jiggles its naughty bits on stage, you should call that duck a stripper. It's that simple. You can try and obfuscate things with old-timey lingerie and quirky gypsy music, but the line that separates you and the pole princesses who prefer thongs and Kid Rock is razor-thin.
The Punishment: Bring back Jell-O wrestling.
The Crime: Chesterfield's sporty hubris.
Why It's Wrong: Not only do plans for the 250-acre SportsQuest campus look like production sketches from the next James Cameron project, but we're supposed to believe that it will work like a giant fun magnet, sucking in resi-dents (and Olympic hopefuls). I know plenty of people who have a hard time making it two blocks to the gym. Erecting a cardio-friendly megapolis seems likes a bold gamble. Is it a crime? Probably not. Honestly, I'm just jealous.
The Punishment: Free memberships for snarky magazine columnists.
The Crime: Complaining about Richmond.
Why It's Wrong: It's unproductive and selfish. It's illogical and boring. And because anything that can be said now has been said a million times before (and better), and it's already hard enough to concentrate in here over the hiss of the latte machine and that godforsaken Vampire Weekend song without having to listen to you whine about how much more fun you had living in Brooklyn.
The Punishment: Move to Brooklyn.