Illustrations by Victoria Borges
Wondering what the end of tax season has in store? You’re in luck. Below, we read the stars and deliver a highly astrological assessment of your tax plight. (You can also view our guide chart here.)
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
A needless dispute with an H&R Block seasonal employee will jeopardize the integrity of your return.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Your commitment to file jointly for the first time devolves into an argument over online tax services, which ends with your partner wailing, somewhat ambiguously, “You never understand!”
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
The vocational flexibility you enjoyed in 2015 proves a double-edged sword, as you scramble to acquire eight W-2s before the 18th.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Last year’s snafu — your relative’s, not your own —serves as a reminder: Never lend help (or your social security number) at your own detriment.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22)
Can you write off those trinkets you brought back from Tahiti? What about your greedy little foster pug’s jaw reconstruction surgery? Don’t ask the stars. They aren’t sure, either.
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
Updating your LinkedIn to reflect your whaling experience won’t be enough to qualify for that $10,000 deduction. But the stars know a guy who knows a guy on the Alaska Eskimo Whaling Commission.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
The stars frown upon your hesitance to contact your estranged spouse and clarify who is claiming the child you abandoned.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
Don’t let paranoia plague your outlook. Unless Mercury is in retrograde, all signs point to the bank – in a good way… we think.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
You will learn the hard way that you do not spend money that the IRS has not yet bestowed upon you.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
One word: Audit.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Your one-time charitable support of a juvenile diabetes gala earned you a sizeable deduction. Maybe you’ll donate again this year, after all.
Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20)
TurboTax’s auto-prompts shouldn’t worry you. They don’t think you’re lying about your work-related expenses. They pop up for everyone.