1. Spice It Up — Eat chili peppers to trigger perspiration, which cools as it evaporates. The hotter the better. Just head to a Latino market and ask for some "Gringo Facemelters."
2. Get Naked — Nothing keeps you cool like spending the day nude. But do the rest of us a favor and close the blinds. Tight.
3. Test Drive — Spend a hot afternoon "shopping" for brand-new cars with super-cold AC. Call it a day when the salesperson's lips go blue.
4. Rent a Freezer — Save big bucks by spending a night in the frigid comfort of a hotel room with the thermostat set to "the last 10 minutes of Titanic."
5. Dip It Good — Kiddie pools are the new hammocks. Set one up in the shade, fill it up with iced sweet tea and watch the heat flee like a coward.
6. Hydrate Your Pants — Tomorrow morning, get dressed and THEN take a shower. Wet clothes keep your core temperature low, so skip the dryer and make like a human clothesline.
7. Freeze Your Sheets — Keep damp bedding in the freezer until sleepy time. Then make your bed and sleep like a baby ... penguin.
8. Vamp It Up — Science proves that the sun is responsible for 100 percent of the summer heat. Avoid it altogether by sleeping during the day and only going out night. If it's cool enough for that Pattinson kid, it's cool enough for you.
9. Leave — Right now, New Zealand is in the middle of winter. Go visit those towns plunging below zero to feel better about all this miserable sunshine.
10. Make Like a Hard Drive — Relocate your office to the server room, which is kept remarkably colder to keep the computer hardware from overheating. But for God's sake ... don't TOUCH anything.