Her request was sweet music. “Want to see the Car Seat Headrest show with me?” Isabella, our 15-year-old, asked. “We first heard them together, and I thought you’d like to go.”
We discovered the band on WRIR during carpool, a track called “Fill in the Blank.” I remember the instantly catchy chorus about teen angst: “You have no right to be depressed / you haven’t tried hard enough to like it.” Since they were playing the season’s last Friday Night Cheers on Brown’s Island, Isabella suggested we invite some friends and make an outing of it. Deal.
Connecting with your teenager is a holy grail of parenting. Unfortunately, there’s no sure formula any more than there’s a way to predict lightning strikes. Yet, just as meteorologists now have sensors that measure electrostatic charges in the atmosphere, astute parents can learn to detect when the stars are aligned for a meaningful teen encounter.
In the past year or so, I’ve attended a bunch of shows with a kid or two in tow. For the Richmond Symphony or the Folk Festival, sure, bring the whole clan, but when it comes to a show show — you know, something with an opening act, a headliner and its own hashtag — think one-on-one.
“It’s awesome bonding time,” says Richmond musician Prabir Mehta. “Growing up, taking kids to concerts was not part of the equation, but these days it’s totally common.” One reason, Mehta says, is technology: “You don’t have to keep up with the radio anymore. With kids and parents both having easy access to the same content, the coolness gap has shrunk and there’s more relatability than ever.”
Whatever the cause, take advantage, but first set some expectations and define the boundaries.
“Boundaries are issues of trust,” says Dr. Annie Coffey, a licensed clinical psychologist at Arts for Replenishment and Change. “Tell them, if they mess up, you’re going to know it and have to talk about it. But you can’t give them a chance to make a mistake if they don’t have some leash extension.”
My wife and I took Isabella plus one of her friends to The National for A$AP Ferg, the girls’ first hip-hop show. Before we left the house, we had a frank talk about the scene. “What do you do if someone offers you weed?” I asked.“ ‘No thanks,’ I’ll say,” Isabella chirped, “I’m already good.” Over the course of the night, we gave one another plenty of space, but stayed in touch via text and kept the girls in view from the balcony above. Now and again, my wife or I wandered toward the dance pit just to check in. “If you trust your child, then you have to trust them in testing environments,” Coffey says. “If you detect that maybe they’ve strayed too far, then it has to be talked about sooner than later.”
At the movies, you don’t have to sit in the same row as your teens. Let them be semi-independent for live music, too. “It’s developmentally appropriate,” Coffey says. “You are insulting their sense of maturity if you insist that you must stay together.” But understanding the band and the crowd is key, so do some research. Maybe find that band’s concert video on YouTube. Is there undue profanity and a riotous mosh pit? Handsy crowd-surfing? Easy-access drugs? In Richmond, Strange Matter at midnight is still a 20s and 30s venue, but Friday Cheers, First Friday, Dogwood Dell and Hardywood play early evenings to stroller-toting families. And plenty of shows at The National are teen-friendly.
For his 13th birthday, Sebastion asked for tickets to the Beck show at Charlottesville’s Sprint Pavilion. We made a father-son road trip of it. I let him wander up early for the sound check and when things got rolling, I stayed put while he ventured for a front-row peek at the stage. “You’re going to make them feel less than their age if you helicopter too much,” Coffey says, “but you’ve got to give them that look in the eye that says, ‘I’m watching.’ ”
Isabella and I have seen Floetry and Metric live, too. At those shows, I scored press passes so that she could experience the photographer’s pit and the green room and learn how to conduct herself like a pro. She’s hooked. And it’s given us fertile common ground for conversation. “Live music lets kids experience the world with a fun-loving parent who will respect their opinion. It’s about modeling and embracing the creative world,” Coffey says. But I’m still the dad. When Sebastion Snapchatted at Beck, I hung back. And when Isabella took a photo with A$AP Ferg’s TJ Mizell, I stepped out of the frame so that it would be her moment and not mine. Besides, just getting invited meant that my cup was already full.
Jason Tesauro, writer, speaker, sommelier — and modern papa to a five-some under 15 — invites you to join as he hurls through life at the speed of love/chaos/adventure.