Illustration by Rachel Maves
The holidays are all about love and family, so why do some folks feel neglected during that time?
For some of our loved ones, it has nothing to do with the holidays — and everything to do with birthdays. If their birthday falls between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Eve, what’s supposed to be one of the most joyous times of the year can be tough.
I say this from experience, as exactly half of the birthdays in our family of six occur in the last few weeks of the year.
I thought my family always enjoyed having birthdays around the holidays, thanks to an abundance of holiday cheer. But as I contemplate another season of holidays and birthdays, I had to ask myself if they feel the same.
Given my youngest son’s age, birthdays are simply an opportunity to geta little more attention than usual. And while we’re not a materialistic family, we still make sure we don’t let timing get in the way of him getting the same kind of birthday, Christmas and Hanukkah presents he’d get if his birthday were in the spring or summer.
But if my teenaged son’s experience is any indication, the euphoria of a birthday AND Christmas AND Hanukkah all rolled into one, may soon fade. Because for this son, birthdays don’t always carry the sense of celebration that many of us get to enjoy when we don’t have to share our special day with a national holiday.
I think my middle son resigned himself long ago to the notion that having a real birthday party wasn’t a viable option for him because of the time of the year. He realized that a lot of stuff takes place during the holidays, both in our family and home, and in his friends’ homes.
I asked him how he felt about his birthdays. To my dismay he said, “I don’t remember having any real birthday parties in New Jersey.” The only one he remembered that was “super fun” was when his mom, brother, grandmother, aunt and one friend went go-karting. “That was a fun experience. But the only parties were at school, really.”
I guess it’s been this way for him for a long time. I thought we needed to somehow make his holiday birthday partya bigger deal, but in reality, he long ago realized a party with friends during that time of the year would be tough, and he was content to just have fun going out with his family.
There may be a light at the end of the holiday birthday tunnel.
My wife’s birthday falls near Thanksgiving. She remembers always being able to celebrate her birthday with lots of family members at the house for dinner. Always one to see the positive, my wife believes that one of the things that made her birthdays special was that they gave her so many wonderful memories with her grandparents, who were often there for the holiday.
As she grew up and went away to college, my wife discovered another benefit of having a holiday birthday. Most of her friends from high school would return home from college like she did during Thanksgiving break, and they always made a point to go out and celebrate her birthday. Her 21st birthday was especially memorable because so many people were in town. (I’ll bet.) And she was still able to celebrate with her family.
The now-teen-aged Jordan Warren at his third birthday (Photo courtesy James Warren)
When I look at the holiday birthday experiences of my sons and my wife, it becomes clear that age might have something to do with how your loved ones experience their holiday birthdays:
1. When they’re little, perhaps they don’t notice that the holidays and birthdays are running together, and it’s all good. It’s just one big party.
2. When they go to school, they realize their birthday has to share the stage with a bigger family holiday — and that means their friends will likely be spending time with their own families.
3. When they become a young adult, they are less limited by your family’s holiday plans, and they can exercise more freedom in planning and celebrating.
4. The older our loved ones get, the more likely they are to focus on spending time with family during the holidays (as is probably the case for many of us, regardless of our birthdays). Celebrating their birthdays with older and younger family members becomes the real present.
While there’s not much you can do to change the fact your family member’s birthday falls on or near a holiday, there are a couple of things you can do to make their birthdays more memorable.
First, ask them how they want to celebrate their birthday, based on their expectations, age and previous experiences.
Second, don’t avoid the holiday impact — embrace it.
In our family, every birthday is a big family celebration, especially during the holidays. If you were to look through our family pictures, you’d see that most of the birthdays in our family are set in our dining room, the lights turned down low, a homemade cake with a big number candle, and lots of presents.
We try to keep the focus on the kids and what they want to do for their birthdays, with the understanding there may not be a lot of friends around, but there will always be a lot of family, and therefore a lot of love.
James Warren has called Richmond home for 14 years. He leads Johnson Marketing’s brand strategy group and founded the company’s storytelling startup, Share More Stories.
